Building Alliances

ATTN: Future Social Workers

2008-06-21T12:52:00.002-05:00

On June 9, 2008, Lambda Legal issued this press release.

Check it out!!

Lambda Legal Announces Two Partnerships to Improve Out-of-Home Care for LGBTQ Youth

'LGBTQ youth are over-represented in out-of-home care facilities. It is essential that social workers and practitioners are trained in how best to serve them'

(New York, June 9, 2008) --- Lambda Legal, in collaboration with the National Association of Social Workers (NASW), and the Council on Social Work Education (CSWE), today announced two projects to build the capacity, awareness and skills of social workers and other child welfare professionals serving LGBTQ youth living out of home in foster care, juvenile justice centers, and homeless shelters.
"LGBTQ youth are over-represented in out-of-home care facilities," said Flor Bermundez Staff Attorney with Lambda Legal's Youth in Out-of-Home Care Project. "It is essential that social workers and practitioners are trained in how best to serve them."

Through a $275,000 grant secured by Lambda Legal from the Out-of-Home Youth Fund of the Tides Foundation NASW will launch a national train-the-trainer initiative, and CSWE, the national accreditation organization for schools of social work, will review best practices and diversity curricula at schools of social work nationwide.

The NASW project will train 40 master trainers throughout the country who have met the application requirement and who agree to train 40 more out-of-home care practitioners, resulting in a total of at least 1,600 service providers who will be better able to meet the needs of LGBTQ youth in out-of-home care. More information on the master trainer program will be posted at NASW's website (posted in "Our Community") and at Lambda Legal (posted in "Our Community."

"Social workers play a significant role in the care that LGBTQ youth receive and it is imperative that we are sensitive to their needs," said Dr. Elizabeth Clark, president of the NASW Foundation. "This program reflects the profession's commitment to children and families and LGBTQ issues."

The CSWE project will engage schools of social work by helping them focus constructively on LGBTQ issues as they complete the best practices survey. After the data has been collected, CSWE will help encourage schools to adopt the best practices identified through the research. CSWE's Commission for Diversity and Social and Economic Justice and Council on Sexual Orientation and Gender Expression will analyze the data collected.

"This survey will provide a more comprehensive picture of how social work students are currently being prepared to serve the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender community," said CSWE Executive Director Julia M. Watkins. "CSWE looks forward to collaborating with Lambda Legal to identify more valuable curricula and resources for our profession's future."

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" ...From "60 Minutes"

2008-06-18T22:15:00.006-05:00

"Despite the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy, gay soldiers say that commanders are reluctant to discharge key personnel - even those openly gay - in the middle of a war."
--- 60 Minutes

Part One:

Part Two:

"Gay or Straight?" ...From "60 Minutes"

2008-06-18T22:07:00.005-05:00

"What makes you gay or straight?
Is it personal choice or genes or the way you were raised?
While science doesn't have definitive answers, there's been some fascinating and oftentimes controversial research that is beginning to provide some clues."
--- 60 Minutes

Part One:

Part Two:

Emotion in Art

2008-06-17T15:19:00.009-05:00

The expression of emotion through art can be incredibly powerful.
Today, we'd like to share with you a piece we found that speaks very powerfully about the rollercoaster of emotions experienced within the GLBT Community.

Vincent's Tears (1995) by KEO of Seattle, Washington
"Using the bold, bright colors of the rainbow, symbolizing my freedom, my choice, I cover the canvas with compelling imagery. My aim is to bring the seer closer to their own emotions and the discovery of their own freedom. My art is an expression of my passion, love, frustration, confusion, pride, shame, ecstasy..."

Three words...
Thought-provoking. Insightful. Beautiful.

Note: This artwork and accompanying quotation was obtained from the Gay Art Gallery. (We chose not to link directly to this site, as it contains some explicit content, but please, feel free to visit it on your own!)

Being an Ally

2008-06-17T08:42:00.016-05:00

"Tell me and I forget, show me and I remember, involve me and I understand." -- Unknown

We hope that anyone reading this is able to identify with this quote. It helps me understand how great the need for allies in the GLBT Community is and what being an ally with the members of this Community means.

An ally is a heterosexual person who is working with the community, through support and advocacy, to end oppression and obtain equal rights for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. It means believing that everyone, regardless of sexual orientation (or anything else for that matter), deserves all the same rights that heterosexual people have.

In researching about becoming an ally, I came across these statistics on the Western Illinois University, University Committee on Sexual Orientation website.

Why become an ally?

-Because in 1990, these are the statistics found on the WIU campus:

29% believed the college would be a better place if only heterosexuals attended

55% did not know a gay man casually and few knew any gay men well. 85% of the men and 81% of the women did not know a lesbian casually and only 5% of the men and 6% of the women knew a lesbian well.

78% were not very interested in learning more about gay men and lesbians. 85% said they were not willing to attend a program on homosexuality.

85% admitted they had made homophobic comments. 30% of the men said they did so often, compared to 7% of the women.

83% said it was fairly or somewhat likely that gay men and lesbians would be harassed on campus

If you want to support gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people in their efforts to live fuller lives and be proud of who they are, you're ready to be an ally.

Use the links on the Around Houston and Around the Nation section in the sidebar to get connected to the community and start using your voice for others!

You can even get an awesome t-shirt to show your support!

Stop the Hate

2008-06-16T21:44:00.001-05:00

Hate crimes are heartless. There are no words to describe the pain inflicted in the world by these senseless acts.

To us, this spoke volumes...

The following video (which is about 10 minutes, a little lengthy, we know!) is a beautiful tribute to individuals that lost their lives at the hand of someone who just didn't understand and respect their differences.

Grab a tissue...you might need it.

Every face has story.
Every story has a face.

Every face has name.
Every name has face.

Remember these faces, remember these stories, and remember their names.
It is in their honor and in their memory, that we fight and stand up against hate crimes.

Thank you for allowing us to share this with you!

A Voice from Working with the GLBT Community

2008-06-16T20:42:00.004-05:00

Keville Ware, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at Montrose Counseling Center, joined us for a discussion about the shame experienced in the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Community, and the effects of those experiences on individuals.

Ware has been working with the GLBT Community in the Houston area since 1992; hence, we were eager to get his thoughts on this important issue. We asked him questions based on his professional experience...this post is a feature of some of the major highlights of our discussion.

Throughout the process of creating this blog, it became evident to us that shame is a major issue within the GLBT Community. In speaking with Mr. Ware we discovered that not only is shame as a core problem for the individuals of this Community, but that many of his clients experience depression, negative self-talk, feelings of worthlessness, and cycles of self-medicating as a result of their shame experience(s).

Ware specializes in working with gay men who have tested HIV+. We were curious if the shame experiences of HIV+ homosexuals were different than those of HIV+ heterosexuals. We got a resounding “YES.” Ware discussed how society attaches greater stigma to HIV+ homosexuals than HIV+ heterosexuals. The straight community treats the HIV+ gay community differently. In addition, the non-HIV+ gay community also treats the HIV+ gay community differently. Being outcast by your own community can be very shaming…for anyone!

Although any given individual processes and deals with shame in a different way, we thought it was important for future social workers to be aware of some of the most common consequences of shame are in the GLBT Community.

Based on his professional experience, Ware identified high rates of depression, substance abuse, sexual addiction, relationship struggles, body image disorders, anxiety, eating disorders, and symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) as the most prominent issues that social workers would encounter in relation to shame. Another problematic situation is when clients present with the “if society says I’m wrong then I am wrong” mentality...that is internalized homophobia. Ware also identified perfectionism as a means to compensate for experiencing shame.

So, what triggers shame for the GLBT Community? Like anyone from any background and community, there are no universal shame triggers for each gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender individual. Each person is unique (no, they are NOT all the same because they are gay), and therefore, they have their own set of shame triggers.

Ware described politics as a major shame trigger for the GLBT Community. For example, the highly publicized political campaigns to promote to promote policies, such as "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" and the illegalization of gay marriage. These policies serve as discrimination which isolate and belittle gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals. The more difficult aspect of these political campaigns is not that they initiate shame, but that they constantly reinforce shame, making it difficult for healing and, as Ware stated, recovering from shame.

On a different note, Ware noted that there are major life stressors that also trigger shame for some, such as losing a job, aging, loss of an important relationship, testing HIV+, and life rejections.

In society today, shame is a taboo talk – it lives in silence, it breeds in silence, and it can be destructive in silence. Obviously, there is a certain discomfort that evolves through discussing a dark, taboo topic. Let’s face it...it’s not your typical conversation starter! Ware described the importance of psycho-education to explain shame to struggling clients.

An important aspect of Ware’s psycho-educational program involves implementing the Shame Resilience Model of Dr. Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW. He describes this model as being useful in helping clients to recognize thoughts and feelings that surround the emotion of shame. Ware often utilizes the term “mindfulness,” which he describes as a combination term encompassing the concepts of shame, learning positive self-talk, and becoming resilient.

As the discussion progressed, the issue of “Gay Pride” came up. One would think that having pride in your culture would (or could) minimize the shame associated with being a part of that culture. However, Ware offered a different spin on the idea of pride and what he believes may be that actual result of "Gay Pride." He discussed “Gay Pride” being detrimental to the GLBT Community in the sense that it only focused on being proud of one’s sexuality and not acknowledging the collective pain and suffering of growing up gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender in a straight world.

Ware acknowledged that while being able to celebrate is important, the community also needs to stop ignoring the negative feelings (like shame) that are ever present. The GLBT Community needs to address the idea that it’s okay to have shame, but it’s also okay to feel pride in embracing who you are. For example, Ware suggested that part of “Gay Pride” should be holding a candlelight vigil to mourn the shame felt within the Community.

Since one of the goals of our blog is to educate future social workers and other helping professionals to understand the shame of the GLBT Community, and how to effectively work with them by building cultural competency, increasing empathy, and increasing compassion, we felt it was appropriate to ask the “advice” question. What better way to be advised on how to work with the GLBT Community than from a seasoned professional? Ware believes that part of working within this community is walking with individuals on a journey of self-acceptance, which involves being uncomfortable. Learning about sexuality is essential to do this work.

Ware recommended a book by Joe Kort entitled Covert Sexual Abuse of the Gay Male Culture for any future social worker wishing to work with this particular population. In addition, any other reading material (book, or journal articles) that discusses the phenomenon of internalized homophobia, oppression, and trauma of the psyche due to shame can be helpful.

Ware described that many times individuals of the GLBT Community will begin to develop their own form of internalizing homophobia due to the oppressive experiences of living in a heterosexist/homophobic society. This is something that social workers need to be mindful of to help these clients navigate a difficult path. Social workers also need to weary the phenomenon of counter-transference, where the social worker develops their own homophobia and internalized hatred by vicariously experiencing the same issue as the clients. Perhaps having your own therapist is helpful!

To conclude, Ware made a beautiful point that is the heart of being a social worker – and, in fact, it should be the heart of being human. To work with, to relate to, and to live in harmony with the GLBT Community, it is unquestionable that there must be empathy, there must be understanding, there must be a respect for diversity, and there must be compassion. You do not necessarily have to know what it is like to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, but you do have to know what it is like to experience shame and what is would feel like to bring that to light as a client. That is how empathy and compassion for the unknown begins to develop.

We would like to take this opportunity to thank Keville Ware for his time and willingness to discuss shame with us. It was a valuable learning experience for us all, and it is our hope that it will be a learning experience for you all.
Thank you.

We're ALL Susceptible

2008-06-13T17:17:00.000-05:00

There is a common misconception that gay men are the only population with the HIV/AIDS epidemic and that is just not the case. In this post, we hope to expose some of the stereotypes associated with HIV/AIDS and clear up some of the unknown about the disease.

Follow this link to read about the difference between HIV and AIDS and what they stand for.

According to the Center for Disease Control, in the 33 states with long-term, confidential name-based HIV reporting, an estimated 19,620 men having sex with men (18,296 MSM and 1,324 MSM who inject drugs) received a diagnosis of HIV/AIDS, accounting for 71% of male adults and adolescents and 53% of all people receiving an HIV/AIDS diagnosis that year (2005).

Let’s take a critical look at the numbers. This statistic was found on an anti-gay website and was trying to be used as an argument against being homosexual. 47% of all people who received an HIV/AIDS diagnosis in 2005 were not homosexual males, so where is the logic in using this statistic as a scare-tactic against the gay community?

The percentage of adults (other than men having sex with men) in the United States infected with HIV/AIDS are:
- Men who contracted through heterosexual contact (16% of men with HIV/AIDS).
- Women who contracted through heterosexual contact (80% of women with HIV/AIDS).
- Injecting drug users (12% of men and 19% of women).

As you can see, HIV/AIDS is not a “gay disease.” While it is a problem in the community, we are ALL susceptible. There is an AIDS epidemic in this country as well as around the world, and instead of thinking this is not everyone’s issue we need to focus on what we all can do to practice safe prevention practices and raise awareness.

The shame associated with HIV/AIDS is extremely prominent among HIV-positive people and can take a huge toll on their lives. As stated in the article linked to below, "In addition to creating missed social opportunities, stigma damages the psyches of those infected, and fuels the spread of the virus to others."

Follow this link to read the personal story about a 33 year old HIV-positive man. He discusses what he has experienced because of the stigma of his HIV status.

Let's Bring People Together!!

2008-06-13T16:32:00.000-05:00

"Stereotyping can be reduced by bringing people together. When they discover the other people are not as the stereotype, the immediate evidence creates dissonance that leads to improved thoughts about the other group." --- The Nature of Prejudice

Just a little something that we wanted to share...

...in hopes of bringing people together.

Just like you can't judge a book by its cover, you can't judge people by their cover either.

Don't assume someone is or isn't gay by their appearance.

A Voice in the Transgender Community

2008-06-13T12:41:00.000-05:00

We had the pleasure of interviewing Josephine Tittsworth, a social worker in the field of mental health and the Transgender Community. Josephine is on the Board of Directors of the National Transgender Advocacy Coalition (NTAC) and Parents and Families of Lesbians And Gays (PLFAG) - Transgender Network (TNET).

This interview proved to be very insightful and informative into the shame experienced within the Transgender Community.

One of the most powerful things Josephine offered to us was this saying, "The GLB Community faces shame, but they do not have to identify their sexual orientation; the shame in the Transgender Community is stronger because they have to identify their sexual orientation."

This resounded with us because if you see a transgendered man, you automatically assume they like women, and if you see a transgendered woman, you automatically assume they like men...what we learned...that is not always the case!!

Many thanks to Josephine for meeting with us and providing us with such an insightful and interesting interview!

The following document, provided by Josephine, is an umbrella chart showing the overall term of "transgender" and all of the different types of people who fall under its general heading.

Transgender Umbrella Chart - Upload a Document to Scribd

For more information on the Transgender Community, please read some of the articles that Josephine has published. They include:

1. Tittsworth, J., Erich, S., & Kanenberg, H. (2008). Foster care: Transgender youth. National Association of Social Workers Specialty Practice Sections Newsletter.
2. Erich, S., Boutté-Queen, N., Donnelly, S., & Tittsworth, J. (2007). Social work education: Implications for working with the transgender community. Journal of Baccalaureate Social Work, 12(2), 42-52.
3. Erich, S., Tittsworth, J., Dykes, J., & Cabusas, C. (in press). Family relationships and their correlations with transexual well being. Journal of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Family Studies.
4. Erich, S., Donnelly, S., & Tittsworth, J. (2006). Passages: From feeling woman to being woman. In Messinger, Lori & Morrow, Deana F. (Eds), Case studies on sexual orientation & gender expression in social work practice (pp. 3-6). New York: Columbia University Press.

Giving Shame a Voice: Sam

2008-06-12T22:30:00.000-05:00

This is the fifth edition of our Giving Shame a Voice series.

Read, and learn.

We hope this brings you one step closer to understanding the shame experienced in the GLBT Community, and an even larger step closer to developing empathy and compassion for them.

1. When did you first know that you were gay?

Well, it was not until I was 19 that I began to understand my feelings toward women. But, I truly understood exactly what was going on with me. I could probably take you all the way back to first grade though...it was pretty apparent.

2. Have you ever felt shame? Describe it.
3. When, and how, did you become aware that you were experiencing shame?

During the summer my parents made me get a job when I turned 16. I had the best job ever, I lifeguarded at a water-park and I worked there for four years during the summer and every year that I worked there I was promoted. Well, the very last year that I worked there was my first year back from The Citadel (I went to school there my first few years of college) and I was promoted to a park manager. I was unfortunately fired at the end of the summer for something that I did not do and I honestly think it was because I was dating a girl.

After I returned from The Citadel after my second year, I started working for a seafood restaurant. I completely hid from everybody that I was gay because I did not want to be known as the lesbian bartender and wanted to be known as just me. I did not even tell my best friend and I would date boys so people would quit asking questions. I hid under this wall of shame for over a year. The second I finally decided to come out and stop hiding everything I did not want to have happen did. But, I embraced who I was. It was when I embraced who I was when I really realized I had been in shame all that time.

4. Describe a time when you felt isolated or alone in the world?

It would have to be right after my father killed himself. It did not hit me at first that he was never coming back. It took me about three months for it to finally settle in and when it did I became very depressed. It was through this state of depression that I felt very isolated and alone. He understood me more than anyone.

5. Explain a time when you weren’t comfortable with yourself. When, or how, did you get to a place where you eventually were?

When I moved to Austin a few years ago, and started working at a new place. I couldn't even believe how many other gay people worked there!! It was like home. It was an environment where you could be who you were without being judged.

6. If you could go back and see yourself at a time when you were experiencing shame and darkness, what would you say to your past self?

Well, after my dad died I could not get anyone to actually talk to me about what I was going through which is why I think I walked down the lonely and dark path that I did. If I could go back I would tell myself that everything would be okay and that I might not see it right now but with time you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is going to be a rough journey but because of what you are experiencing you will understand something that most people will never understand and you will help out so many others.

7. What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been the victim of such labels?

Truthfully, I am not entirely sure how to answer this question.

Giving Shame a Voice: Steve

2008-06-12T22:29:00.000-05:00

This is the fourth edition of our Giving Shame a Voice series.

Read, and learn.

We hope this brings you one step closer to understanding the shame experienced in the GLBT Community, and an even larger step closer to developing empathy and compassion for them.

1. When did you first know that you were gay?

I knew I was “different” around second grade (age 8). I didn’t label myself as gay till 17.

2. Have you ever felt shame?

Not shame, more fear of people hating me. Now I am just disappointed in people who have homophobia.

3. When, and how, did you become aware that you were experiencing shame?

I never felt ashamed. I started having sexual relations with other guys my age around 14, so for me, it just sort of happened. There was nothing to feel ashamed about. It felt very natural.

4. Describe a time when you felt isolated or alone in the world?

During my teenage years when I was carrying around the weight of the world. The fear of the unknown. Not understanding the reasons for being homosexual. It usually happened at night while laying in bed.

5. Explain a time when you weren't comfortable with yourself. When, or how, did you get to a place where you eventually were?

My entire teenage years I was uncomfortable. It wasn’t until I established a friendship with a heterosexual male and he accepted my homosexuality with zero issue did I feel confident that there is nothing inferior with me (around age 19). The acceptance of my heterosexual male peers is what allowed me to become 100% confident with myself and in my sexuality.

6. If you could go back and see yourself at a time when you were experiencing shame and darkness, what would you say to your past self?

"You are a very good person with a good heart and you will always love yourself."

7. What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been the victim of such labels?

Flamboyant dress style, particular way of speaking, feminine men, butch girls.
Yes, I have been a victim of such labels. I ignore them when they happen then detox with friends afterward. Some people are ignorant and I realize they just don’t understand and aren’t worth dealing with.

Falling in Love is Universal

2008-06-12T20:11:00.000-05:00

Love.

Love is a beautiful thing.

Gay or straight...love is love, and it's a beautiful thing.

California Senator Sheila Kuehl once said...

"Gay and lesbian people fall in love. We settle down. We commit our lives to one another. We raise our children. We protect them. We try to be good citizens."

We stumbled across a simple, yet inspiring explanation for love.

Open up your heart, and enjoy!

To borrow some very famous words from the wonderful Dr. Seuss..."Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Giving Shame a Voice: Annie

2008-06-12T14:56:00.000-05:00

This is the third edition of our Giving Shame a Voice series.

Read, and learn.

We hope this brings you one step closer to understanding the shame experienced in the GLBT Community, and an even larger step closer to developing empathy and compassion for them.

1. When did you first know that you were gay?

When I was 13 and I had a crush on my friend.

2. Have you ever felt shame? Describe it.

Yes, I described it as a feeling of embarrassment.

3. When, and how, did you become aware that you were experiencing shame?

I always felt that way, but only realized it through therapy.

4. Describe a time when you felt isolated or alone in the world?

All my childhood.

5. Explain a time when you weren't comfortable with yourself. When, or how, did you get to a place where you eventually were?

All my childhood I wasn't comfortable with myself. In prison I got to a place where I actually was.

6. If you could go back and see yourself at a time when you were experiencing shame and darkness, what would you say to your past self?

There's nothing you can say...a person must go through the process of recovering from shame to heal from it

7. What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been the victim of such labels?

That we are sinners and evil perverts. Of course.

Social Work Pride, The Sequel

2008-06-11T16:22:00.000-05:00

Official Statement Concerning Homosexuality from the National Association of Social Workers

The National Association of Social Workers (NASW) has stated the following:

Social workers are guided by the NASW Code of Ethics which bans discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. . . NASW believes that non judgmental attitudes toward sexual orientation allow social workers to offer optimal support and services to lesbian and gay people. NASW affirms its commitment to work toward full social and legal acceptance of lesbian and gay people. The profession must also act to eliminate and prevent discriminatory statutes, policies, and actions that diminish the quality of life for lesbian and gay people and that force many to live their lives in the closet. (National Association of Social Workers: Lesbian and Gay Issues. Washington, DC, NASW Delegate Assembly, 1993.)

For more information from NASW, please visit http://www.socialworkers.org/

Forbidden Attraction

2008-06-11T15:27:00.000-05:00

All through high school I played sports was involved in J.R.O.T.C. and that helped me become fairly popular. I had the typical high school experience, I went to parties, dated quite a bit, and in general lived the normal high school experience.

One day a friend of mine told me that a guy in my school had a crush on me. At first I thought that she was trying to play a joke on me but she swore that it was the truth. I was truly shocked when she told me this. First, I did not think that he was gay or even questioning his sexuality. Second, I thought why would he have a crush on me, I was straight and back then I thought that a gay person would only have a crush on another gay person.

I felt ashamed that he had a crush on me and I did not know how to handle this situation. I instantly got very defensive stating that fact that I was not gay. Then I began to wonder what would happen to me if anyone else knew this secret. Would the rest of the jocks hate me or beat me up? I was terrified that the rest of the school would think that I was also gay.

I had a few different ideas on how to confront this problem. I thought that I could solve this problem the same way I would handle a problem on the football field. By getting into a fight. But since it was near the end of my senior year I figured that being kicked out of school would not be a good idea. I thought about publicly shaming him in front of the whole school, but that would expose his crush on me. Ultimately my decision was that I would avoid him. That meant no more talking with him in the halls or in any class.

After becoming older and wiser I can now see that I made a mistake with the decision I made. I should not have ignored my friend. I cannot imagine the shame that he felt after I started to treat him differently and I now feel ashamed for the way I treated him. He was brave to tell anyone about his feelings and I disrespected his bravery.
-- Israel

Shameful Assumptions

2008-06-11T15:21:00.000-05:00

Being raised in a southern, middle class, white, Catholic family with all the views that tag along with that is all I had ever known. Throughout college, I was able to expand my thoughts and ideas and challenged anything I had ever been taught. I thought I was open-minded and knew exactly how the world worked. I thought that I was non-judging (I have my slip-ups) and unassuming. Once I entered the MSW program a year ago, I was definitely proved wrong.

The first few weeks of school I began to connect with one of my classmates. We were becoming friends and would sit next to each other often. One day I saw her texting a lot and looking giddy about the conversation. She was sitting pretty close to me and I thought I could make out the name of the person she was engaging in conversation.

A couple of hours later at lunch, a few new friends sat down to lunch and began diving into the realms of our personal lives. Our conversation ranged from long distance relationships to marriage to our families, and all of us were very animated and engaged, except for one. My same friend, who was texting up a storm earlier, was very quiet during lunch and eventually I came out and asked what guy she had been texting all day. My friends and I sat there when she would not tell us and guessed all the boy names we could until we had no more. Eventually, flushed and anxious, she came out and just told us HER name.

All of us at the table were completely appalled, not at the fact that our friend was a lesbian, but at the assumption we had made about her and her sexuality. I felt like I had been punched in the gut and felt ashamed that I had been so adamant about whom her “boyfriend” was. At that point she had not been ready to tell us, but because of our assumptions she was forced into revealing incredibly personal information to us.

The experience really put into perspective the kind of stereotyping and assumptions I make on a daily basis. My friend looked like me, talked like me, walked like me so I assumed she was straight like me.--Ashley

Giving Shame a Voice: Kyle

2008-06-11T14:46:00.000-05:00

This is the second edition of our Giving Shame a Voice series.

Read, and learn.

We hope this brings you one step closer to understanding the shame experienced in the GLBT Community, and an even larger step closer to developing empathy and compassion for them.

1. When did you first know that you were gay?

I first (truly) new when I was a freshman in college. I began having doubts about my sexuality my junior and senior year in high school.

2. Have you ever felt shame? Describe it.

Shame about being gay, yes. I think most gays have felt ashamed of themselves at some point or another, even if it was just for a short period of time. I felt ashamed of being something other than what God, my family, my friends and society intended me to be, so I thought. I felt like I was not deserving of so many blessings in my life and that I was having feelings that went against what the Church and my family had taught me.

3. When, and how, did you become aware that you were experiencing shame?

For me it was during my first year in college. I think it was evident when I met other gays that were my age and acted completely normal, as if they’d been gay all their life. I was not 100% comfortable and the fact that I did not act like them or “live like a gay” was a sign to me that red flagged it as something that was not acceptable. I was trying to repress the fact that I was gay. It’s something many do when they’re beginning to feel more and more attracted to the same sex.

4. Describe a time when you felt isolated or alone in the world?

Being the oldest, I had a lot of pressure. I had to absorb many of the family problems and was forced to grow up fast. I did not have anyone to turn to or talk to other than God. Although I’m surrounded by friends and a loving family, when I accepted that I was gay was another time when I felt alone. However, it was because I chose to keep this to myself for some time. As soon as I was O.K. with God and told my friends, a huge load was lifted off my back.

5. Explain a time when you weren’t comfortable with yourself. When, or how, did you get to a place where you eventually were?

This would be the first three years after I accepted I was gay. It has to do with body image. I felt I did not fit the gay image: fit, muscular, health and body conscious, fashionable, etc. By my senior year in college it all had changed.

6. If you could go back and see yourself at a time when you were experiencing shame and darkness, what would you say to your past self?

Hey buddy, it’s completely OK. This is who you are and there is no need to try to change it. You are yourself, and nothing is wrong with you. God made you this way. You’re a good person. Now get up and go be yourself and share your love with everyone.

7. What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been the victim of such labels?

Good and bad stereotypes: Promiscuous, polygamous, dirty, HIV/AIDS, freaks, suicidal, depressed, go against God’s will, fashionable, have good jobs, earn good income, vain, self-conscious, like to party/drugs, travel, cultured, high maintenance, smart, ambitious, etc…

GLBT Stereotypes: Words of the Straight Community

2008-06-11T14:43:00.000-05:00

In a survey of more than 2,000 adult lesbians and adult gay men in 8 major U.S. metropolitan areas, more than 90% of the males and 75% of the females reported having been verbally harassed because of their sexuality. Almost 1/2 of males and more than 1/3 of the females have been threatened with physical violence because of their orientation; and 1/5 of the males and 1/10 of the females reported that they had been punched, kicked, or beaten because of their homosexuals. These verbal harassments, threats, and acts of physical violence stem from stereotyping and labeling.

We interviewed members of the heterosexual population to identify their perceived stereotypes of the GLBT Community. We asked, "What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been a perpetrator of such labels?"

Here's just snippet of what we got...

1. I don't have a problem with the gay community and never really have. I make fun of people a lot for being homosexual, but its just a joke. I know that many people do have a problem, and it seems to usually be men. I think some men are afraid of other men hitting on them. There's a difference between being a hot lesbian and a dyke. Hot lesbians are accepted in society more so than dykes. A lot of men are attracted to hot lesbians, but are completely turned off by dykes. Transexuals or transgenders...I don't think they're as accepted as gay or lesbians. Stereotypically, I think transsexuals are thought of to be prostitutes, but I know that's probably a small percentage of them.

2. Lesbians fall into two categories (which are not mutually exclusive): butches, who are shy, man-hating woman that wear lumberjack clothing and do not need attention, and lipstick lesbians, who are flirty, man-hating woman that wear girly clothing and need a lot of attention. Gay men fall into two categories: flamboyant guys, who walk weird, have dramatic hand movements, and talk with a lisp...images that come to mind are a hairdresser and Richard Simmons, and a nonchalant kind-of-guy, who are unrecognizably gay, and the only way you know they are is because they have a boyfriend. In general, I am more comfortable with lesbians than with gay men. I think flamboyant gay males are annoying.

3. I think the biggest stereotype is that every lesbian is manly, and every gay male is girly. Included in that is the endless list of stereotypical characteristics that people look for to identify someone as GLBT (e.g. lesbians have short hair, gay men talk with their hands, etc.). Then, there are the more serious stereotypes that all gay men molest young children, that all gay people have AIDS, and that all gay people want to convert you. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a perpetrator of some of these labels, but my guilt lies in attempting to identify the characteristics of GLBT people, not in the other stereotypes I mentioned. When I meet someone, I automatically assume they are straight unless I know or they tell me otherwise. If someone asks me if someone else is gay, I try to pick out certain mannerisms that I would consider “gay.” Of course I’m terrible at that because there are no certain mannerisms, so I try to avoid it all together. The ironic thing is that I have found GLBT people to be some of the worst perpetrators of those assigning those labels.

4. Gay men will get HIV (gay/straight...unprotected sex means there's a chance you'll get it), lesbians are butch, and gay men are feminine. I don't think I've ever been the perpetrator of these labels, but I have to admit that I have been around people who do and have said nothing before. As I have gotten to know more and more members of the GLBT community though, I am much more likely to speak up when I see those labels being used. My first year as a high school teacher was a test in this area. I had a known gay student in a class and within the first 2 weeks of school I started to notice the comments about him. Doing my best not to point him out or the specific issue I was having I spent an entire class period on respect (what it means, how to show it, what I won't tolerate etc.) and made sure that I took care of any disrespectful behavior toward anyone very quickly and made sure that everyone knew I wasn't going to tolerate it. I like to think I did a pretty good job, but it was definitely a struggle.

5. As far as stereotypes are concerned I believe that all of the usual suspects apply: The gay man with the funny walk or the obvious lisp. The lesbian woman with the mullet and a Tee-shirt with the sleeves cut off. But I believe these are all voluntary means of communication used by the person as a way to identify themselves with their respective community. Some, however, don’t feel the need to I identify themselves in this way. Did I ever perpetrate a stereotype? Sure, I believe we all do every day. We all see something about all people we look at, that is not outwardly shown. Whether it is their sexual orientation, their social status, or how much money they have. It is part of our nature to look at somebody and compare them to our self. And then use the differences to place labels and classifications. The real issue is not that we do this; I believe the real issue is the learned reaction to segregate and even hate those who are not the same.

6. I think a major stereotype of the GLBT community is that most people in the GLBT community are promiscuous. I'm sure I have been the perpetrator of such labels at one point in time or another -- whether it was externally or whether it was a personal thought. I think that because there is so much negative pressure from society on the GLBT community that sometimes those in the GLBT community feel the need to overtly declare their sexuality to assert their right to their sexual preferences -- which leads to the overgeneralized stereotype of promiscuity in the GLBT community. I think it's really difficult for the GLBT community to dispel this stereotype.

7. When I think of stereotypes of the GLBT community it would be that gay men make good neighbors, have a good sense of fashion, are emotionally sensitive, bad at sports, and are promiscuous. Lesbians are not feminine, play softball and hate men. I have probably used the phrases “you're so gay” or “what a fag” a million times in my life as a derogatory comment to taunt my friends when they do something that would fit in one of the stereotypes.

In your comments, please feel free to respond to the same questions. Just remember to post mindfully, as this is not a place for ridicule and shaming, but a place to educate others.

And, remember, the only way not to shame the GLBT Community with the stereotypes is to not perpetuate them or make anyone a victim to them through your judgement. Consider not telling inappropriate jokes with "being gay" as the punch line, or correct someone when they make a derogatory comment, but most of all, give every individual the benefit of the doubt and respect them by not assuming you know them based on their appearance alone!

For more information on crime against the GLBT population, visit the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force link on our Around the Nation section in the sidebar.

A Scout Is "Not Gay"

2008-06-11T14:28:00.003-05:00

In December of 2007, the City of Philadelphia took a bold stance against their local Boy Scout Council for their policies on homosexuals joining their organization. In doing so, the city has sent a strong message to the community that it is time to stop supporting organizations that continue to discriminate against, and further shame, the GLBT community.

The following story, from The New York Times details the development of this public conflict. From http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/06/us/06scouts.html/

Boy Scouts Lose Philadelphia Lease - Upload a Document to Scribd

On May 27, 2008, Fox News reported that the Boy Scouts had filed a federal lawsuit against the city for their decision.
From - http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,358586,00.html

The federal lawsuit seeks to stop the city from evicting the Scouts or from charging the group about $200,000 a year in rent. The Scouts currently pay $1 annually for the space. The city says it cannot keep subsidizing the rent of a private group that discriminates. It gave the Scouts until Saturday to revise their policy or pay rent.

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled in 2000 that the Boy Scouts, as a private group, have a First Amendment right to bar gays.

But taxpayers cannot keep subsidizing the rent of a group that discriminates, City Solicitor Shelley Smith told MyFOXPhilly. "They're free to exercise their First Amendment rights," Smith said. "What they're not free to do is get a benefit from the city while violating our policy."

The Philadelphia chapter adopted an explicit nondiscrimination policy in 2003 after negotiations with the city, but was forced to rescind it when the Boy Scouts of America balked, MyFOXPhilly.com reported. The national group said Philadelphia Scout officials could not deviate from national rules barring participation by anyone who is openly gay.

The Scouts say the higher rent would force them to cut programs, and is equivalent to the cost of sending about 800 needy children to summer camp.

As an Eagle Scout, I consider the Boy Scout's anti-gay policy to be more than just shaming and discriminatory for the gay community. It is a policy based on an old way of thinking, and not based in the reality of today's changing culture. When I was a teenager it would have been a crushing blow to be kicked out of my troop or denied the honor of being an Eagle because of my sexuality. The Boy Scouts is supposed to teach young men about being friendly and kind, which this policy is not. It is a time for them to grow socially and mentally, and develop skills to become responsible and honest men. By having a discriminatory policy, the Boy Scouts continue to teach impressionable boys that being different is wrong and that hating is acceptable. --JOSH

A Lifetime in My Flip-Flops

2008-06-11T11:23:00.004-05:00

Imagine walking down a busy street in the middle of New York City, holding hands with someone of the same gender you are, and people turning their heads only to look at you with complete disgust.

Imagine being at a cocktail party with your co-workers and being asked, “So, are you seeing anyone?” and being afraid to tell them, “Yes, I am, and her name is…” because you are terrified of hearing the “gasps,” the “ohs,”, and the “ahs.” Or speaking up and having everyone look at you differently, and treat you differently just because you aren’t just like them and you know longer belong in “their world.” Then, the next day, you go into work, and instead of standing at the coffee pot and partaking in the morning gossip, you are painfully aware that you are punch line.

Imagine seeing your family once a year, and the first thing out of their mouths is “Oh, you’re still single. When are you going to get married?” and you just sit there and give an awkward giggle. But, what you really want to fire back with is “I’m a lesbian, and I can’t get married because you voted in favor of the ban on gay marriage!”

Imagine losing your closest friends because you don't walk their walk and talk their talk. You just want to scream, "No, I am not going to steal your girlfriend!" or "No, I'm not going to hit on you!" And, "Yes, I love chick-flicks, shopping for fashionable finds, and wearing dresses." You want to say to them "I just don't understand why you think I am that different from you, God made me uniquely and special, just like you!" But, you don't because they've already turned around and walked away, only to leave you in tears.

Well, I’m a lesbian. And, that’s my shame.
Speaking those words is painful. “Coming out” is often painful for me.
It puts a pit in my stomach, sends chills up my spine, and sinks my heart into my chest.

My shame is being different.
My shame is hiding who I am to live up to everyone else’s expectations and perceptions.
My shame is sitting in silence.
My shame is speaking the truth about myself and not being heard or respected.
My shame is not belonging.
My shame is living in fear of being less than in the eye’s of those around me.
My shame is being uncomfortable in my own skin.
My shame is being in a room where others are more uncomfortable with me.
My shame is a fear of rejection.

Please do not add fuel to the fire of my shame.
I do not need your ignorance.
I do not need your hatred.
I do not need your approval.
I do not need your disapproval.
I do not need your ridicule.
I do not need your harsh judgment.
I do not need your criticism.
But most of all, I do not need you to know exactly how I feel and what it means to be me. Because, let's face it, unless you've lived a lifetime in my flip-flops, you never will.

I need your acceptance.
I need your love.
I need your compassion.
I need your friendship.
I need your understanding.
I need your fair judgment.
I need your support.
I need you respect.
I need your listening ear.
But most of all, I need you.

My sexuality does not change who I am.
Remember, I am still "the same old" me.

Today, I am being true to myself and being vulnerable to your judgment.
Speaking shame with these simple words has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
On the flip side, it has been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever done.
This has been an incredible part of my journey of embracing and accepting who I am.
And, even more so, it has been a life-changing moment in “coming out” of my shame.
Learn from me. Use my life, my experiences, my words to increase your empathy and compassion for my community.

From the depths of my heart, thank you for being a part of my journey.
--- Allison

All Love is Original: Moving Past Homophobia

2008-06-10T21:56:00.000-05:00

"It was hard to enjoy being one of the chosen people, the 'heteros,' when so many people that I admire were not invited to the party. --- George Weinberg

George Weinberg, writer of Society and the Healthy Homosexual and Self Creation, is a heterosexual, clinical psychologist, and gay activist, who has championed gay rights for many decades. He coined the concept of "homophobia" in his work, and challenged the "old school" concept that homosexuality was a disease...giving many gays and lesbians their dignity and pride.

Below is an eye-opening interview, with great thought-provoking concepts between George Weinberg and Raj Avyar. It is an important piece to learning that all love is original and worthy of acceptance in the world. And even more importantly, it is excellent insight into how the GLBT Community might experience shame because of this concept "homophobia."

Raj Ayyar:
George, it's an honor to interview you. Your insights have challenged so many negative myths and stereotypes about homosexuality. Can you tell us a little about the rhythms and patterns, the high points and the lows of your life?

George Weinberg:
The high point in my life was one that I certainly didn't see or appreciate when it happened because I was a few months old. My father, who was from a wealthy family and highly educated, a lawyer, Yale and Columbia, walked out with the benefit of a healthy push from my mother, a seventh grade graduate, who took a typing course and got a secretarial job as fast as she could.
My father was a pedant and a bully who cared about nobody, and I was not to see him until I was eighteen. My mother was devoted, very bright, and above all, very humane. "You judge someone by how that person treats the least important person in his life," she would tell me often, and she watched over me to safeguard my caring as much as my intellectual development.
Having her to myself without him anywhere near me was the great break of my life, one that I could evaluate only after getting to know him later on. It wouldn't have mattered to my mother if I married a black, was gay, lived in a commune or wore a dress. I didn't grow up with any concept of people being deviants unless they mistreated others.
So the step into my later life was very small and took very little courage alongside the giant steps taken by some of my friends, especially my gay friends who had to first accept themselves, then love themselves, then make peace with their being outcasts and disappointments to others, and then build new lives.
Another high point was getting a PhD in clinical psychology at Columbia and seeing how hidebound, unimaginative, inhumane and stupid my classmates and the professors were, with very few exceptions. I realized that the world was left to us who cared, it was our time, and that the people we looked up to had mainly climbed a many runged ladder to nowhere.
Though I wasn't gay, I was loose in all the heterosexual ways that I could think of, and in other ways that I'd rather not put in print. And to quote Robert Browning, "And yet God has not said a word."
Finally, fighting for gay rights, speaking out in various places and making friends, men and women, was great. I felt like an apostle of the obvious and people imagined that I was doing something daring. My mother would have done the same thing, and in fact one of the last things I placed in her hands, as she lay dying of a brain tumor, was my book summing up my views on the doctors who said that anal intercourse was sick but had lived their whole lives with their heads up their ass.

Raj Ayyar:
In the mid-1960's, you coined the word 'homophobia' which has become part of the lexicon of gay theory and activism. It's a concept that identifies a certain class of prejudice and parallels terms like 'racism' and 'sexism.' How would you define homophobia?

George Weinberg:
Homophobia is just that: a phobia. A morbid and irrational dread which prompts irrational behavior flight or the desire to destroy the stimulus for the phobia and anything reminiscent of it. Because human beings are the stimulus, a common homophobic reaction is brutality in many cases, as we all know. We also know its consequences.
I am very proud of being the one to have coined the word. I remember the moment in 1965 when it came to me with utter clarity that this was a phobia. I was preparing a speech for a homophile group, which set me to thinking about "What's wrong with those people?"
By "those people," I had in mind that day a few therapist friends who had liked a gay friend of mine, spoken well of her until I told them that she was a lesbian. Hearing that, they didn't want me to bring her to a party, as if she was a contaminant. Since I kept my own life quite a secret from them, having heard their views too often, perhaps a little bit of rage spurred me on to finding the word. The Roman poet, Catullus, describing how he came to write his love poetry, one wrote, "Anger moves my verse (Ira versum movet) and I think that healthy anger at injustice has strengthened the love within the gay movement, of which I am very much a part.

Raj Ayyar:
What are the roots of homophobia? Or, if that's too broad a question, what environmental influences are likely to generate this blind fear and hate of gay people?
George Weinberg:
The roots of homophobia are fear. Fear and more fear. It is based on the preposterous notion that if you are like everybody else you will be safe, secure and happy. And in the extreme that if you are good, you won't die. "Well, no wonder he died, he smoked a few joints." Or "He went to India." Or "He was homosexual. I would never do that."
Envy plays a part too because fearful people who constrict their lives resent others who don't constrict them in the same ways. Many people secretly think that gays are a lot happier than they are, and want to punish them.
Of course, any answer to the question of how an illness develops, (and homophobia is an illness, no doubt about that) has to be incomplete. What worse illness can there be than acute conventionality. You should pray every night that you don't wake up with it.

Raj Ayyar:
Tell us a little about 'internalized' homophobia. Do many closeted gays suffer from profound self-hatred? Is the coming-out process part of the healing journey out of internalized homophobia?

George Weinberg:
Internalized homophobia is the same disease, it is the dread of being different, of being singled out, punished or laughed at. It is the idea that I must suffer some withering illness because I lack a fundamental ingredient that everyone else has.
Unfortunately it isn't a lack that's killing you. You have at least one too many ingredients, namely conformity. You would be better off in exile than priding yourself on be like everyone else. The penalty for that kind of pride is that you can't turn to the right or left without misgivings.
As Alexander Pope put it "More true joy Marcellus exiled feels than Caesar with a senate at his heels." If this is so, the goal should be to become Marcellus, not Caesar.

Raj Ayyar:
Is there a 'universal' coming-out process? Can we apply a single Western post-Stonewall model of coming out, or do gays in different cultures need to work out their own indigenous, culture-specific ways of coming to terms with their sexuality?

George Weinberg:
There is no universal coming out process, so far as I know. I've met gays who never had a problem, especially women who came out during a love affair which bathed them in its beauty. And I've known people who came out with a sense of torture. I'm sure that every culture, every neighborhood, every family influences the experience. But the cure for most obstacles is, Be decisive. The world will step aside for nearly anyone who has the courage of his of her opinions.

Raj Ayyar:
In the new book Before Stonewall Jack Nichols remarks that 'while defining homophobia, (you) proffered a radical concept: healthy homosexuality.' What are some of the criteria defining a 'healthy' homosexual?

George Weinberg:
To love and to work these are the basics. I don't mean loving just one person, or your cat, though that's more than a start. We each have a personal myth, a vision of who we really are and what we want. Health means that part of what you want is to give to others.
This isn't moral, it's psychological. As soon as your aim, is to achieve something for others, to give to others (or to at least one other person), you have that person along with you, as if watching you and rooting for you. You aren't alone. The healthy homosexual is simply a healthy person who happens to be homosexual and accepts this fact. As for work, whatever your work happens to be, I agree with Goethe who said "Only the person who has spent a lifetime of hard work can truly say, 'I have lived.'"

Raj Ayyar:
Apparently, your pioneering work Society and the Healthy Homosexual (1972) shocked the pundits of the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association. How did you deal with the hostility of your peers and of the power structure within your profession?

George Weinberg:
I try not to deal with people's hostility, though I must if they have something I need from them, as the professors did at Columbia or my landlord did. I like the lines of the poet Walter Savage Landor, "I strove with none for none was worth my strife."

Raj Ayyar:
There are many countries (India is a good example till recently) where 'men who have sex with men' (MSM's) engage in same-sex acts that are labeled 'fun' 'mischief' etc. but are not categorized as gay or even as 'homosexual.' Are such men 'closet' cases? Doesn't one need to be minimally self-aware and aware of the discourses of homosexuality to run for cover in the 'closet?'

George Weinberg:
I look ahead to the day when we won't think of anyone as gay or straight altogether. The fewer labels the better.

Raj Ayyar:
Does your model of homophobia apply as easily to lesbians as to gay men? Or, are there grounds for interpreting 'lesbophobia' differently than 'homophobia?'

George Weinberg:
The model applies but men tend to suffer more acutely. We have many cases of men committing suicide rather than face their own individuality. I know of no case of a woman who committed suicide because she was gay.

Raj Ayyar:
I have a great respect for the fact that you are one of the few avowed heterosexuals that championed the cause of gay rights for many decades. How did you get past homophobia?

George Weinberg:
I've had so many friends who were homosexual and who shared interests with me, who were generous and non-competitive and sensitive. I couldn't afford to lose them and to condemn them in my own mind would be to lose them. So I lined up with them emotionally. I'm really not an avowed heterosexual. I'm no more proud of it than of being white or tall. As T.S. Eliot put it, "I could have been a pair of ragged claws, scuttling across the floors of silent seas." We're all here at the same time and we should celebrate that.

Raj Ayyar:
Are your wife and family okay with your pro-gay activism and writing?

George Weinberg:
My family is better than OK.

Raj Ayyar:
You are quoted as saying that 'all love is conspiratorial and deviant and magical.' I love the quote. But, what does it mean?

George Weinberg:
All love is original, no matter how many other people have loved before. It is the greatest possible leap of faith and trust, a bearing of the soul. Here we are, as Whitman put it, in measureless oceans of space… hoping to catch somewhere. Whitman was comparing love with the task of the spider trying to reach across a void. The very decision to do this instead of to wear a full metal jacket is a conspiracy. All who love are conspirators. We refuse to go with the drift of things and gays are really more conspicuous instances because their love is questioned.

Raj Ayyar:
Shakespeare is one of your heroes. Can you tell us a little about your book Will Power: Using Shakespeare's Insights to Transform Your Life? Going back to a cliched but still interesting question: was Shakespeare bisexual?

George Weinberg:
I feel pretty sure that Shakespeare loved men and women erotically. In the sonnets he makes clear that he loves a man. It would take a profound commitment to conventionality to deny the evidence which screams out. People have known of Shakespeare's homosexuality down through the ages.

Raj Ayyar:
Your book Self Creation was a huge success in the popular self-help market. Can you share some insights on creating a more positive reality with readers of Gay Today?

George Weinberg:
An essential idea is that if you give to some person or endeavor in life, you will make that more important. Coming out to gays is a way of affirming sanity and self-worth. We are constantly creating ourselves by what we move toward or away from. If every time you engage in a sex act, you go into a confession box, you will never accept your own sexuality. I found in my own life that heterosexual acts that initially made me feel like a freak became second nature and quite reasonable very quickly. That was because I didn't atone. The important thing is not to hurt other people. If they hurt themselves by staying up all night worrying about your behavior that is their own self-tortured decision.

Raj Ay
George, it's been a pleasure and a joy talking with you. Thank you for sharing your insights with us.

George Weinberg:
Thank you, Raj.

This interview was obtain from http://www.gaytoday.com/...an on-line publication.

Giving Shame a Voice: Ben

2008-06-10T14:37:00.000-05:00

This is the first edition of our Giving Shame a Voice series.

Read, and learn.

We hope this brings you one step closer to understanding the shame experienced in the GLBT Community, and an even larger step closer to developing empathy and compassion for them.

1. When did you first know that you were gay?

I can remember when I was about 8 years old; imagining that my teddy bear was a male and hugging it very tight. I first realized I was homosexual when I was about 15 and I tried to search for naked men on the internet and got caught by my mother.

2. Have you ever felt shame? Describe it.

I felt shame once when I was walking with my other homosexual friends to a local bar, and when passing the heterosexual bars I felt humiliated and shamed like I was a minority and was not able to express myself.

3. When, and how, did you become aware that you were experiencing shame?

I became aware that I was experiencing shame when I began to walk faster like I was not a part of the homosexual group I was with.

4. Describe a time when you felt isolated or alone in the world?

When I came home one night to my ex-boyfriend vandalizing my apartment and breaking all of my things. I felt isolated and alone.

5. Explain a time when you weren’t comfortable with yourself. When, or how, did you get to a place where you eventually were?

In high school I often shied away because I knew I was attracted to the same sex, but I could not express myself openly about it with anyone. Because I held in the frustration with being closeted, when I turned 18 and graduated from high school I often went to the homosexual bars to meet others, and I got a tattoo to show my freedom and independence.

6. If you could go back and see yourself at a time when you were experiencing shame and darkness, what would you say to your past self?

If I can go back and see myself when I was experiencing shame, I would tell myself that I can and will get through the darkness, and that I will eventually gain confidence and begin to know myself better as I age and mature.

7. What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been the victim of such labels?

Gay males are feminine, GLBT have HIV/AIDS, every GLBT has some sort of bug, party animals, sinners, and homosexual males do not know how to accomplish any male oriented work. I often feel the strongest labels and stereotypes come from heterosexuals that I don’t know, mostly heterosexual males.

Teaching Acceptance and Tolerance

2008-06-10T08:46:00.000-05:00

Did you know that there are between 2 million and 8 million gay and lesbian parents living, working, and raising children in the United States?
Did you know there are roughly 7 million children being raised by same-sex parents in the United States?

Beginning in the 1990s, with Leslea Newman wrote and published Heather Has Two Mommies, children's literature began featuring lesbian-coupled households raising a family. Heather Has Two Mommies is the story of a precious preschooler named Heather who is being raised by her two mommies, Mama Jane and Mama Kate - the story revolves around Heather learning that her family is different from all her schoolmate's families. The lesson in the book is that all families are different and very diverse, and what is important is the love they all have for one another. Leslea Newman was challenged by Senator Jesse Helms who called the story obscene, and eventually lead to the initiation of the federal ban on "teaching acceptance of homosexuality" from all schools that received federal funding.

Leslea Newman began a revolutionary concept. Love, tolerance, acceptance, and having a respect for diversity if learned in the early years of childhood. Unfortunately, most children today are not getting that lessen...hence, why we have sexism, racism, homophobia, ageism, and all the other -isms in the world today. Today, children's books featuring lesbian moms and their families serve to encourage diversity, and to teach children that all families are different but that all families love each other and they should be respected.

Hey, maybe these books could open the eyes of some adults too?
Here are a few suggestions...

ABC: A Family Alphabet Book by Bobbie Combs (ages 2-5)
Amy Asks a Question: Grandma, What's a Lesbian? by Jeanne Arnold (ages 4-8)
Felicia's Favorite Story by Leslea Newman (ages 4-8)
Is Your Family Like Mine? by Lois Abramchik (ages 4-8)
Molly's Family by Nancy Garden (ages 4-8)
Saturday is Pattyday by Leslea Newman (ages 3-8)
My Two Aunts by Deb Dixler (ages 3-8)
And Tango Makes Three by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson (ages 4-8)

Just think about it for a minute?
A little food for thought...For each individual that learns the lessons these books have to offer, the more acceptable being gay will become, and we might one day be living in a world where there is little, if any at all, shame surrounding the identity of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders.

For more information on GLBT parenting, associated issues, and their strive for equality in the United States, and the world, please contact the Family Equality Council. Visit their blog in the "Our Connections" section!

All the children's book discussed here are available at Amazon.

Giving Shame a Voice

2008-06-09T20:30:00.000-05:00

We thought, how can we provide you with information to help you understand shame in the GLBT Community?

We decided to create this series, Giving Shame a Voice, to give you insight into the shame experienced by gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. Throughout this blog, you will find postings that feature a different individual reaching out and speaking shame.

The questions we posed include:

1. When did you first know that you were gay?
2. Have you ever felt shame? Describe it.
3. When, and how, did you become aware that you were experiencing shame?
4. Describe a time when you felt isolated or alone in the world?
5. Explain a time when you weren't comfortable with yourself. When, or how, did you get to a place where you eventually were?
6. If you could go back and see yourself at a time when you were experiencing shame and darkness, what would you say to your past self?
7. What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been victim of such labels?

We instantly loved the idea of creating this blog series! We were aware that no two people experience shame in the same way, nor express shame in the way same, so the thought of being able to offer several perspectives and viewpoints made us very excited!

Please follow this series, and be mindful and respectful with your comments, as they are the real words of real people!

Note: We obtained permission from our interviewees to post their responses on this blog for educational purposes, but we have changed the names on each posting to respect their right to privacy. We thank them for their participation.

We've Come to Recognize

2008-06-09T14:17:00.000-05:00

"When we know how shame feels, we have an important resilience tool. Often, we feel shame before we think it. Recognizing our shame allows us to find the space we need to process the experience and gain some clarity before we act our or shut down." -- Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW

Our goal in sharing our physical reactions to shame with you has two purposes here. We hope that you will realize that no two people share the same reaction to shame, and that it is essential part to developing your shame resilience.

We did this exercise in our class, and here is how we responded.

Israel:
I physically feel shame in my shoulders.
My shame symptoms include shaking.
I know I'm in shame when I feel blank.
If I could taste shame, it would taste like nothing.
If I could smell shame, it would smell like the stench from the paper factory.
If I could touch shame, it would feel like slime.

Ashley:
I physically feel shame in my heart, hands, and face.
My shame symptoms include fidgeting, sweaty hands and feet, anxiety, a headache, and nausea.
I know I'm in shame when I feel judged.
If I could taste shame, it would taste like dirt.
If I could smell shame, it would smell like sweat.
If I could touch shame, it would feel like fiberglass insulation.

Gina:
I physically feel shame in my stomach, heart, and brain.
My shame symptoms include nausea, increased heart rate, crying, headaches, and a heavy chest.
I know I'm in shame when I feel like hiding.
If I could taste shame, it would taste bitter.
If I could smell shame, it would smell musty.
If I could touch shame, it would feel like thorns.

Josh:
I physically feel shame in my stomach and head.
My shame symptoms include nausea, lack of appetite, a headache, a heavy head, exhaustion, lack of motivation, reduced social contact.
I know I'm in shame when I feel detached from everything.
If I could taste shame, it would taste like peach.
If I could smell shame, it would smell like peach.
If I could touch shame, it would feel like biting down on a paper towel or napkin.

Allison:
I physically feel shame in my heart and stomach, and through my extremities.
My shame symptoms include my heart sinking into my chest, my stomach starts turning upside down, and my body gets the chilled, and sometimes shaky.
I know I'm in shame when I feel flustered, disoriented, and speechless.
If I could taste shame, it would taste like licorice.
If I could smell shame, it would smell like a dusty, dark attic (sort of musty and murky).
If I could touch shame it would feel like an old cobweb.

The first step to resisting shame is to recognize it.
What does shame feel like to you?

An Elephant, a Donkey, and Gay Marriage

2008-06-09T09:27:00.000-05:00

On May 15, 2008 the California Supreme Court ruled that it would allow same-sex couples to legally marry, with all the same rights afforded to heterosexual couples. As of this point only one other state, Massachusetts, allows actual marriage between homosexual couples. This is a landmark triumph for the Gay Rights Movement. Couples can begin getting married June 17th.

However, the victory could be short-lived as conservatives in the state are pushing even harder for a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage to appear on California ballots in November. Such an amendment would override the Supreme Courts decision and nullify any marriages performed up to that point.

The video below features Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain on the Ellen DeGeneres show after this decision was made. He makes his stance very clear, and, we think, Ellen is as cool as ever.

The current happenings in California are one of many results from the long-winded debate about establishing marital rights or denying marital rights to same-sex couples all across the country. Aside from John McCain viewpoints, some politicians support civil unions or domestic partnerships, and wish to continue to reserve the term "marriage" for opposite-sex couples. But, what happened to equal rights among all? To allude to what Ellen said, marriage is marriage and love is love...whether your attracted to a person of the opposite-sex or the same-sex...its all the same.

So, what's the premise of this debate?

1. "Same-sex marriage" means legal marriage between people of the same sex. Massachusetts issues marriage licenses to same-sex couples (since 2004), and now, California has joined the bandwagon.

2. "Civil union" is a category of law that was created to extend rights to same-sex couples. These rights are recognized only in the state where the couple resided. Currently, civil unions are recognized in Vermont (since 2000), Connecticut (since 2005), New Jersey (since 2006), and New Hampshire (since 2007).

3. "Domestic partnership" is a new category of law that was created to extend rights to unmarried couples, including (but not necessarily limited to) same-sex couples. Laws vary among states, cities, and countries. Across the U.S., Hawaii, Maine, Oregon, Washington, and the District of Columbia confer certain spousal rights to same-sex couples.

In conclusion, the most significant difference between marriage and civil unions (or domestic partnerships) is that only marriage offers federal benefits and protections. More than 1,100 rights and protections are conferred to U.S. citizens upon marriage (areas affected include Social Security benefits, veterans' benefits, health insurance, Medicaid, hospital visitation, estate taxes, retirement savings, pensions, family leave, and immigration law). Because same-sex marriages in Massachusetts, civil unions, and domestic partnerships are not federally recognized, any benefits available at the state or local level are subject to federal taxation.

What's your opinion?

Visit the Human Rights Campaign Website (http://www.hrc.org/) for more information on current issues in your state and how you can get involved.

Social Work Pride

2008-06-08T23:09:00.000-05:00

The National Association of Social Workers (NASW) is the main governing and ethical body for all Social Workers. As professionals we are bound to the guidelines they set, and expected to treat all people with the same dignity and respect, no matter what their race, color, ethnicity, age or sexual orientation.

The following three documents represent current NASW position on major issues for the GLBT community. More information on these and other NASW positions on social issues, visit http://www.socialworkers.org/.

NASW ENDA Statement - Upload a Document to Scribd

NASW Gay Marriage Statement - Upload a Document to Scribd

NASW Hate Crimes Statement - Upload a Document to Scribd

Underage Shaming

2008-06-08T17:25:00.003-05:00

"The stigmatization of homosexuality begins early in childhood and intensifies during adolescence." --Tangney & Dearing

Despite the successes and advances of the GLBT Community, there continues to be a notion that being gay is bad. From a young age we are taught that being gay is something to be ashamed of and that, somehow, it is ok to ridicule and hurt those that are different. For youth struggling with their sexual identity, school can be an especially harsh place to be open and feel safe. As of 2003, almost 40% of GLBT youth said that they had experienced some kind of physical violence at school and 84% had been victims of verbal harassment, all because of their sexual orientation.

The effects of these degrading and shaming experiences can be devastating. Gay youth are at an increased risk for social isolation, depression, substance abuse, dropping out of school and even thoughts of suicide. In fact, of the 5,000 suicides of young men and women each year in the United States, over 30% of them have been attributed to the emotional turmoil over sexual preference and societal prejudices and discriminatory behaviors regarding same-sex attractions and relationships.

In February of this year, a California middle school had a school shooting that barely made a blip on the news radar. Why? The victim, Lawrence King, was shot and killed by a fellow student because he was gay. We think its time for a new lesson to begin.

Watch these videos for more:

For more information on this tragic event visit:
http://www.rememberinglawrence.org/.

For more information on GLBT youth, read the following article:
Snively, C. (2004). Gay-Straight Alliances. An Encyclopedia of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Culture.

Holding Hands: Shame and Silence

2008-06-08T15:56:00.000-05:00

"Silence breeds shame every bit as much as shame breeds further silence."
--- Kaufman and Raphael (1997)

When we read this quote, it struck a chord in us about how those of the GLBT Community choose to, and are almost forced to, conduct their lives in order to feel safe in the world. We immediately wanted to share our thoughts and views about what these words mean to us. We hope it inspires you to do the same.

The relationship between silence and shame is one of give and take. If you give silence the chance to live, shame will walk in the open door and move right in with it. Once inside, it will be strengthened by the power of the silence and grow more confident. The two will continue to feed off of each other in an endless cycle. If we want shame to weaken, we must break the silence and be able to speak it an let it know it has no power here. --JOSH

If you are not allowed to be honest and speak to yourself and others, there is no way you can get out of the cycle of being uncomfortable in your own skin.
--Israel

There is a cyclical relationship between shame and silence. When the world refuses to discuss the shameful issues of all the world's people, all the world's people feel it is unacceptable to discuss their personal shame. When all the world's people refuse to discuss their personal shame, the world experiences darkness and disconnection. Unsilencing all the shame in the world and in our lives is the key to ending isolation and fear, and facilitating compassion and connection. --Allison

The more we need to talk about something, the harder it is to talk about it and therefore it doesn’t get done…so whatever the issue is…it just gets worse and worse. Often times, the gay community is forced to remain silent about their personal lives and dwell in the discriminatory labels created by society, thus, the gay community is never heard. --Gina

The silencing of shame has led us to think that nobody else in the world has shame; therefore, we are ashamed to admit that we really do have shame! Our levels of shame drive us into further silence, and thus, drive us all into further shame. --Ashley

The Gay Rights Movement: A History

2008-06-06T23:01:00.001-05:00

The Gay Rights Movement has a rich and colorful history. Stretching over 80 years, we have come along way to secure more rights and freedoms. As far as we have come, there is still a long way to go.

Gay Rights Movement - Upload a Document to Scribd

Learning the Journey

2008-06-06T21:29:00.001-05:00

Shame is often associated with the "coming out" process.
Why? They are often battling "internalized homophobia," which is the shame inflicted on individuals living in a heterosexist society.

"Coming out" is a process that happens again and again; unfortunately, it is not a one time deal.
It is essentially a process that means recognizing, accepting, expressing, and sharing ones' sexual orientation with oneself and others.

In order to address the GLBT Community with empathy and compassion, it is crucial to understand where any given might be in this process. Here, we hope to give an overview of this process.

The Cass Model of Sexual Identity includes six stages, also known as the "Coming Out" Process.

Stage 1 - Identity Confusion
"Could I be gay?" An individual in this stage is beginning to wonder is "homosexuality" is personally relevant. Denial and confusion are often experienced.
Task: Who am I? - Accept, Deny, Reject

Stage 2 - Identity Comparison
"Maybe it does apply to me" An individual in this stage will accept the possibility that she or he may be gay. Self-alienation turns into isolation.
Task: Deal with social alienation.

Stage 3 - Identity Tolerance
"I'm not the only one." An individual in this stage accepts the probability of being homosexual and recognizes sexual, social, and emotional needs that go with being lesbian or gay. There is an increased commitment to being lesbian or gay.
Task: Decrease social alienation by seeking out other lesbians and gays.

Stage 4 - Identity Acceptance
"I will be okay." An individual in this stage accepts, rather than tolerates, gay or lesbian self-image. There is continuing and increased contact with the gay and lesbian culture.
Task: Deal with inner tension of no longer subscribing to society's norms, attempt to bring congruence between private and public view of self.

Stage 5 - Identity Pride
"I've got to let people know who I am!" An individual in this stage immerses self in gay and lesbian culture with less and less involvement in the heterosexual community.
Task: Deal with incongruent views of heterosexuals.

Stage 6 - Identity Synthesis
"I am me." An individual in this stage develops a holistic view of self.
Task: Integrate gay and lesbian identity so that instead of being the identity, it is an aspect of self.

For more information on these stages, follow this link. It is written by Joe Kort.

When gays and lesbians "come out" to their parents (and/or other family members), it is common for their loved ones to experience and work through six different stages: shock, denial, guilt, feeling acknowledgment (anger and hurt), making decisions (to be supportive, to table all discussions, or initiate a war-like relationship), and finally, true acceptance. Follow this link to learn more about this process.

In addition, there is also anxiety associated with "coming out" to non-family members. The following was published by the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. It is a guide to how to be act/react when an individual makes a decision to "come out" to you.

Someone who is coming out feels close enough to you and trusts you sufficiently to be honest and risk losing you as a friend. It is difficult to know what to say and do to be a supportive friend to someone who has “come out” to you. Below are some suggestions you may wish to follow.

- Thank your friend for having the courage to tell you. Choosing to tell you means that they have a great deal of respect and trust for you.

- Don’t judge your friend. If you have strong religious or other beliefs about homosexuality, keep them to yourself for now. There will be plenty of time in the future for you to think and talk about your beliefs in light of your friend’s orientation.

- Respect your friend’s confidentiality. They probably are not ready to tell others right away and want to tell people in their own way.

- Tell your friend that you still care about them, no matter what. Be the friend you have always been. The main fear for people coming out is that their friends and family will reject them.

- Don’t be too serious. Sensitively worded humor may ease the tension you are both probably feeling.

- Ask any questions you may have, but understand that your friend may not have all the answers. You can save some questions for later or, better yet, you can find some of the answers together.

- Include your friend’s partner in plans as much as you would with any other friend.
Be prepared to include your friend in more of your plans. They may have lost the support of other friends and family, and your time and friendship will be even more precious to them. This may include “family” times like holidays or special celebrations.

- Offer and be available to support your friend as they “come out” to others.

- Call frequently during the time right after your friend has come out to you. This will let them know you are still friends.

- Be prepared for your friend to have mood swings. Coming out can be very traumatic. Anger and depression are common, especially if friends or family have trouble accepting your friend’s orientation. Don’t take mood swings personally. Be flattered you are close enough to risk sharing any feelings of anger or frustration.

- Do what you have always done together. Your friend probably feels that coming out will change everything in their life, and this is frightening. If you always go to the movies on Friday, then continue that.

- Talk about other GLBT people you know. If your friend knows you have accepted someone else, they will feel more comfortable that you will accept them.

- Learn about the GLBT Community. This will allow you to better support your friend, and knowing about their world will help prevent you from drifting apart.

- Don’t allow your friend to become isolated. Let them know about organizations and places where they can meet other GLBT people or supportive allies.

Learning the Lingo

2008-06-06T14:22:00.000-05:00

"The good life is inspired and guided by knowledge." --- Bertrand Russell

Part of practicing critical awareness of being aware is the appropriate terminology pertinent to the issues, and the community of which you are speaking. Please be mindful of what you say, and how you say it.

Bi-phobia: Individual or social ignorance or fear of bisexual people. Bi-phobic actions can include prejudice, discrimination, harassment, and acts of violence or hatred.

Bisexual (Bi): Those whose sexual and romantic feelings are for both men and women.

Closeted: GLBT individuals that have not disclosed their sexual orientation.

Coming Out: This can have different meanings to everyone. It has to do with developing awareness that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender – which often leads to a desire to be more open with others about sexual or gender identity. People can be ‘out’ in some parts of their lives but not others. Some people choose to come out and others don’t.

Drag Queen: Men who assume the character or appearance of women.

Gay: People whose sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for the same sex. Depending on the country you are in this can mean men or women, although it tends to be used mainly for men.

Gender: The way a person is seen as ‘male’ or ‘female’.

Gender Identity: A person’s internal feeling of being female, male, both or neither.

GLBT and GLBTI: Abbreviations for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender ; and Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Intersex.

Hate Crimes: Crimes towards persons or groups motivated by the victim's race, color, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, and gender identity.

Heterosexism: discrimination or prejudice by heterosexuals toward homosexuals.

Heterosexual: People whose sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for the opposite sex.

Homophobia: Individual or social ignorance or fear of gay and / or lesbian people. Homophobic actions can include prejudice, discrimination, harassment, and acts of violence and hatred.

Homosexual: People whose sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for the same sex. Those who feel this way often identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual.

Intersex: A biological condition where a person is born with physical characteristics and/or sex chromosomes that aren’t exclusively male or female. An earlier term for intersex was ‘hermaphrodite’.

Lesbian: Women whose sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for women.

Metro-sexual: A straight man perceived to have the style, culture, and personal grooming practices usually associated with gay men.

Sexual Orientation: The direction of sexual and romantic attractions. Some people’s sexual orientation is mainly towards people of the opposite sex; for others it is mainly towards people of the same sex, and for some it is towards either sex.

Sexuality: The quality of state of being sexual.

Straight: Another word for heterosexual.

Suicide: In addition to the general risk factors for suicide, such as depression and substance abuse, GLBTQ people also face stressors such as discrimination and harassment, which put them at an increased risk for suicidal behavior.

Transgender (Trans): Those whose gender identity or behavior falls outside the usual expectations of their gender. This includes people who feel that their anatomical gender is at odds with their inner sense of being ‘male’ or ‘female’. Some transgendered people feel bi-gendered or ‘neither-gendered’, challenging the idea that there can only be two genders.

Trans-phobia: Individual or social ignorance or fear of transgender or transsexual people. Trans-phobic actions can include prejudice, discrimination, harassment, and act of violence or hatred.

Transsexual: People who are born anatomically male or female but have a profound identification with the opposite gender. Not all transsexual people see themselves as being transgendered.

Queer: An umbrella term that includes a range of non-heterosexual and gender identities.

In addition to "words," there are many signs and symbols that have meaning for the GLBT Community. Follow this link to view some of the relevant signs and symbols and learn about their history and meaning.

Shame, Empathy, and Resilience

2008-06-05T22:34:00.003-05:00

"Shame is something we all experience. And, while it feels like shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places, including appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, addication, sex, aging, and religion."
-- Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW

Dr. Brown, our educator and renowned shame researcher, defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging."

After a decade of researching shame in the lives of many men and women across the United States, she developed a grounded theory known as the Shame Resilience Model.

Watch the video below to learn more about this concept of shame and the Shame Resilience Model. What better way to learn than from the researcher herself?

Through reading the postings on this blog, our hope is to highlight each of the elements of the Shame Resilience Model with regard to the shame experiences within the GLBT Community. The elements are as follows:

1) recognizing shame and triggers,
2) practicing critical awareness,
3) reaching out, and
4) speaking shame.

The goal is to build empathy and compassion for the GLBT Community.
Dr. Brown cites Teresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar in England, who identifies four defining attributes of empathy, which are:
1) to be able to see the world as others see it
2) to be non-judgmental
3) to understand another person's feelings
4) to communicate your understanding of that person's feelings.

Dr. Brown cites Pema Chodron, who describes the concept of compassion in her book The Places That Scare You by writing, "When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience the fear of our pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. The trick to going this is to stay with emotional distress without tightening into aversion, to let fear soften us rather than harden into resistence."

We hope that through reading these posts, our fellow social work students can understand the shame experiences in the GLBT Community, examplify empathy and compassion, and learn how they can implement the Shame Resilience Model in their practice.

Details about The Shame Resilience Model can be found in Dr. Brown's book, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power. However, the diagram depicting the model is featured below.

Shame Resiliency Model - Upload a Document to Scribd