Forbidden Attraction

All through high school I played sports was involved in J.R.O.T.C. and that helped me become fairly popular. I had the typical high school experience, I went to parties, dated quite a bit, and in general lived the normal high school experience.

One day a friend of mine told me that a guy in my school had a crush on me. At first I thought that she was trying to play a joke on me but she swore that it was the truth. I was truly shocked when she told me this. First, I did not think that he was gay or even questioning his sexuality. Second, I thought why would he have a crush on me, I was straight and back then I thought that a gay person would only have a crush on another gay person.

I felt ashamed that he had a crush on me and I did not know how to handle this situation. I instantly got very defensive stating that fact that I was not gay. Then I began to wonder what would happen to me if anyone else knew this secret. Would the rest of the jocks hate me or beat me up? I was terrified that the rest of the school would think that I was also gay.

I had a few different ideas on how to confront this problem. I thought that I could solve this problem the same way I would handle a problem on the football field. By getting into a fight. But since it was near the end of my senior year I figured that being kicked out of school would not be a good idea. I thought about publicly shaming him in front of the whole school, but that would expose his crush on me. Ultimately my decision was that I would avoid him. That meant no more talking with him in the halls or in any class.

After becoming older and wiser I can now see that I made a mistake with the decision I made. I should not have ignored my friend. I cannot imagine the shame that he felt after I started to treat him differently and I now feel ashamed for the way I treated him. He was brave to tell anyone about his feelings and I disrespected his bravery.
-- Israel

Shameful Assumptions

Being raised in a southern, middle class, white, Catholic family with all the views that tag along with that is all I had ever known. Throughout college, I was able to expand my thoughts and ideas and challenged anything I had ever been taught. I thought I was open-minded and knew exactly how the world worked. I thought that I was non-judging (I have my slip-ups) and unassuming. Once I entered the MSW program a year ago, I was definitely proved wrong.

The first few weeks of school I began to connect with one of my classmates. We were becoming friends and would sit next to each other often. One day I saw her texting a lot and looking giddy about the conversation. She was sitting pretty close to me and I thought I could make out the name of the person she was engaging in conversation.

A couple of hours later at lunch, a few new friends sat down to lunch and began diving into the realms of our personal lives. Our conversation ranged from long distance relationships to marriage to our families, and all of us were very animated and engaged, except for one. My same friend, who was texting up a storm earlier, was very quiet during lunch and eventually I came out and asked what guy she had been texting all day. My friends and I sat there when she would not tell us and guessed all the boy names we could until we had no more. Eventually, flushed and anxious, she came out and just told us HER name.

All of us at the table were completely appalled, not at the fact that our friend was a lesbian, but at the assumption we had made about her and her sexuality. I felt like I had been punched in the gut and felt ashamed that I had been so adamant about whom her “boyfriend” was. At that point she had not been ready to tell us, but because of our assumptions she was forced into revealing incredibly personal information to us.

The experience really put into perspective the kind of stereotyping and assumptions I make on a daily basis. My friend looked like me, talked like me, walked like me so I assumed she was straight like me.--Ashley

A Scout Is "Not Gay"

In December of 2007, the City of Philadelphia took a bold stance against their local Boy Scout Council for their policies on homosexuals joining their organization. In doing so, the city has sent a strong message to the community that it is time to stop supporting organizations that continue to discriminate against, and further shame, the GLBT community.

The following story, from The New York Times details the development of this public conflict. From http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/06/us/06scouts.html/

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On May 27, 2008, Fox News reported that the Boy Scouts had filed a federal lawsuit against the city for their decision.
From - http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,358586,00.html

The federal lawsuit seeks to stop the city from evicting the Scouts or from charging the group about $200,000 a year in rent. The Scouts currently pay $1 annually for the space. The city says it cannot keep subsidizing the rent of a private group that discriminates. It gave the Scouts until Saturday to revise their policy or pay rent.

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled in 2000 that the Boy Scouts, as a private group, have a First Amendment right to bar gays.

But taxpayers cannot keep subsidizing the rent of a group that discriminates, City Solicitor Shelley Smith told MyFOXPhilly. "They're free to exercise their First Amendment rights," Smith said. "What they're not free to do is get a benefit from the city while violating our policy."

The Philadelphia chapter adopted an explicit nondiscrimination policy in 2003 after negotiations with the city, but was forced to rescind it when the Boy Scouts of America balked, MyFOXPhilly.com reported. The national group said Philadelphia Scout officials could not deviate from national rules barring participation by anyone who is openly gay.

The Scouts say the higher rent would force them to cut programs, and is equivalent to the cost of sending about 800 needy children to summer camp.

As an Eagle Scout, I consider the Boy Scout's anti-gay policy to be more than just shaming and discriminatory for the gay community. It is a policy based on an old way of thinking, and not based in the reality of today's changing culture. When I was a teenager it would have been a crushing blow to be kicked out of my troop or denied the honor of being an Eagle because of my sexuality. The Boy Scouts is supposed to teach young men about being friendly and kind, which this policy is not. It is a time for them to grow socially and mentally, and develop skills to become responsible and honest men. By having a discriminatory policy, the Boy Scouts continue to teach impressionable boys that being different is wrong and that hating is acceptable. --JOSH

A Lifetime in My Flip-Flops

Imagine walking down a busy street in the middle of New York City, holding hands with someone of the same gender you are, and people turning their heads only to look at you with complete disgust.

Imagine being at a cocktail party with your co-workers and being asked, “So, are you seeing anyone?” and being afraid to tell them, “Yes, I am, and her name is…” because you are terrified of hearing the “gasps,” the “ohs,”, and the “ahs.” Or speaking up and having everyone look at you differently, and treat you differently just because you aren’t just like them and you know longer belong in “their world.” Then, the next day, you go into work, and instead of standing at the coffee pot and partaking in the morning gossip, you are painfully aware that you are punch line.

Imagine seeing your family once a year, and the first thing out of their mouths is “Oh, you’re still single. When are you going to get married?” and you just sit there and give an awkward giggle. But, what you really want to fire back with is “I’m a lesbian, and I can’t get married because you voted in favor of the ban on gay marriage!”

Imagine losing your closest friends because you don't walk their walk and talk their talk. You just want to scream, "No, I am not going to steal your girlfriend!" or "No, I'm not going to hit on you!" And, "Yes, I love chick-flicks, shopping for fashionable finds, and wearing dresses." You want to say to them "I just don't understand why you think I am that different from you, God made me uniquely and special, just like you!" But, you don't because they've already turned around and walked away, only to leave you in tears.

Well, I’m a lesbian. And, that’s my shame.
Speaking those words is painful. “Coming out” is often painful for me.
It puts a pit in my stomach, sends chills up my spine, and sinks my heart into my chest.

My shame is being different.
My shame is hiding who I am to live up to everyone else’s expectations and perceptions.
My shame is sitting in silence.
My shame is speaking the truth about myself and not being heard or respected.
My shame is not belonging.
My shame is living in fear of being less than in the eye’s of those around me.
My shame is being uncomfortable in my own skin.
My shame is being in a room where others are more uncomfortable with me.
My shame is a fear of rejection.

Please do not add fuel to the fire of my shame.
I do not need your ignorance.
I do not need your hatred.
I do not need your approval.
I do not need your disapproval.
I do not need your ridicule.
I do not need your harsh judgment.
I do not need your criticism.
But most of all, I do not need you to know exactly how I feel and what it means to be me. Because, let's face it, unless you've lived a lifetime in my flip-flops, you never will.

I need your acceptance.
I need your love.
I need your compassion.
I need your friendship.
I need your understanding.
I need your fair judgment.
I need your support.
I need you respect.
I need your listening ear.
But most of all, I need you.

My sexuality does not change who I am.
Remember, I am still "the same old" me.

Today, I am being true to myself and being vulnerable to your judgment.
Speaking shame with these simple words has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
On the flip side, it has been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever done.
This has been an incredible part of my journey of embracing and accepting who I am.
And, even more so, it has been a life-changing moment in “coming out” of my shame.
Learn from me. Use my life, my experiences, my words to increase your empathy and compassion for my community.

From the depths of my heart, thank you for being a part of my journey.
--- Allison

Holding Hands: Shame and Silence

"Silence breeds shame every bit as much as shame breeds further silence."
--- Kaufman and Raphael (1997)


When we read this quote, it struck a chord in us about how those of the GLBT Community choose to, and are almost forced to, conduct their lives in order to feel safe in the world. We immediately wanted to share our thoughts and views about what these words mean to us. We hope it inspires you to do the same.

The relationship between silence and shame is one of give and take. If you give silence the chance to live, shame will walk in the open door and move right in with it. Once inside, it will be strengthened by the power of the silence and grow more confident. The two will continue to feed off of each other in an endless cycle. If we want shame to weaken, we must break the silence and be able to speak it an let it know it has no power here. --JOSH

If you are not allowed to be honest and speak to yourself and others, there is no way you can get out of the cycle of being uncomfortable in your own skin.
--Israel

There is a cyclical relationship between shame and silence. When the world refuses to discuss the shameful issues of all the world's people, all the world's people feel it is unacceptable to discuss their personal shame. When all the world's people refuse to discuss their personal shame, the world experiences darkness and disconnection. Unsilencing all the shame in the world and in our lives is the key to ending isolation and fear, and facilitating compassion and connection. --Allison

The more we need to talk about something, the harder it is to talk about it and therefore it doesn’t get done…so whatever the issue is…it just gets worse and worse. Often times, the gay community is forced to remain silent about their personal lives and dwell in the discriminatory labels created by society, thus, the gay community is never heard. --Gina

The silencing of shame has led us to think that nobody else in the world has shame; therefore, we are ashamed to admit that we really do have shame! Our levels of shame drive us into further silence, and thus, drive us all into further shame. --Ashley