"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" ...From "60 Minutes"

"Despite the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy, gay soldiers say that commanders are reluctant to discharge key personnel - even those openly gay - in the middle of a war."
--- 60 Minutes

Part One:


Part Two:

A Voice from Working with the GLBT Community

Keville Ware, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at Montrose Counseling Center, joined us for a discussion about the shame experienced in the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Community, and the effects of those experiences on individuals.

Ware has been working with the GLBT Community in the Houston area since 1992; hence, we were eager to get his thoughts on this important issue. We asked him questions based on his professional experience...this post is a feature of some of the major highlights of our discussion.

Throughout the process of creating this blog, it became evident to us that shame is a major issue within the GLBT Community. In speaking with Mr. Ware we discovered that not only is shame as a core problem for the individuals of this Community, but that many of his clients experience depression, negative self-talk, feelings of worthlessness, and cycles of self-medicating as a result of their shame experience(s).

Ware specializes in working with gay men who have tested HIV+. We were curious if the shame experiences of HIV+ homosexuals were different than those of HIV+ heterosexuals. We got a resounding “YES.” Ware discussed how society attaches greater stigma to HIV+ homosexuals than HIV+ heterosexuals. The straight community treats the HIV+ gay community differently. In addition, the non-HIV+ gay community also treats the HIV+ gay community differently. Being outcast by your own community can be very shaming…for anyone!

Although any given individual processes and deals with shame in a different way, we thought it was important for future social workers to be aware of some of the most common consequences of shame are in the GLBT Community.

Based on his professional experience, Ware identified high rates of depression, substance abuse, sexual addiction, relationship struggles, body image disorders, anxiety, eating disorders, and symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) as the most prominent issues that social workers would encounter in relation to shame. Another problematic situation is when clients present with the “if society says I’m wrong then I am wrong” mentality...that is internalized homophobia. Ware also identified perfectionism as a means to compensate for experiencing shame.

So, what triggers shame for the GLBT Community? Like anyone from any background and community, there are no universal shame triggers for each gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender individual. Each person is unique (no, they are NOT all the same because they are gay), and therefore, they have their own set of shame triggers.

Ware described politics as a major shame trigger for the GLBT Community. For example, the highly publicized political campaigns to promote to promote policies, such as "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" and the illegalization of gay marriage. These policies serve as discrimination which isolate and belittle gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals. The more difficult aspect of these political campaigns is not that they initiate shame, but that they constantly reinforce shame, making it difficult for healing and, as Ware stated, recovering from shame.

On a different note, Ware noted that there are major life stressors that also trigger shame for some, such as losing a job, aging, loss of an important relationship, testing HIV+, and life rejections.

In society today, shame is a taboo talk – it lives in silence, it breeds in silence, and it can be destructive in silence. Obviously, there is a certain discomfort that evolves through discussing a dark, taboo topic. Let’s face it...it’s not your typical conversation starter! Ware described the importance of psycho-education to explain shame to struggling clients.

An important aspect of Ware’s psycho-educational program involves implementing the Shame Resilience Model of Dr. Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW. He describes this model as being useful in helping clients to recognize thoughts and feelings that surround the emotion of shame. Ware often utilizes the term “mindfulness,” which he describes as a combination term encompassing the concepts of shame, learning positive self-talk, and becoming resilient.

As the discussion progressed, the issue of “Gay Pride” came up. One would think that having pride in your culture would (or could) minimize the shame associated with being a part of that culture. However, Ware offered a different spin on the idea of pride and what he believes may be that actual result of "Gay Pride." He discussed “Gay Pride” being detrimental to the GLBT Community in the sense that it only focused on being proud of one’s sexuality and not acknowledging the collective pain and suffering of growing up gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender in a straight world.

Ware acknowledged that while being able to celebrate is important, the community also needs to stop ignoring the negative feelings (like shame) that are ever present. The GLBT Community needs to address the idea that it’s okay to have shame, but it’s also okay to feel pride in embracing who you are. For example, Ware suggested that part of “Gay Pride” should be holding a candlelight vigil to mourn the shame felt within the Community.

Since one of the goals of our blog is to educate future social workers and other helping professionals to understand the shame of the GLBT Community, and how to effectively work with them by building cultural competency, increasing empathy, and increasing compassion, we felt it was appropriate to ask the “advice” question. What better way to be advised on how to work with the GLBT Community than from a seasoned professional? Ware believes that part of working within this community is walking with individuals on a journey of self-acceptance, which involves being uncomfortable. Learning about sexuality is essential to do this work.

Ware recommended a book by Joe Kort entitled Covert Sexual Abuse of the Gay Male Culture for any future social worker wishing to work with this particular population. In addition, any other reading material (book, or journal articles) that discusses the phenomenon of internalized homophobia, oppression, and trauma of the psyche due to shame can be helpful.

Ware described that many times individuals of the GLBT Community will begin to develop their own form of internalizing homophobia due to the oppressive experiences of living in a heterosexist/homophobic society. This is something that social workers need to be mindful of to help these clients navigate a difficult path. Social workers also need to weary the phenomenon of counter-transference, where the social worker develops their own homophobia and internalized hatred by vicariously experiencing the same issue as the clients. Perhaps having your own therapist is helpful!

To conclude, Ware made a beautiful point that is the heart of being a social worker – and, in fact, it should be the heart of being human. To work with, to relate to, and to live in harmony with the GLBT Community, it is unquestionable that there must be empathy, there must be understanding, there must be a respect for diversity, and there must be compassion. You do not necessarily have to know what it is like to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, but you do have to know what it is like to experience shame and what is would feel like to bring that to light as a client. That is how empathy and compassion for the unknown begins to develop.

We would like to take this opportunity to thank Keville Ware for his time and willingness to discuss shame with us. It was a valuable learning experience for us all, and it is our hope that it will be a learning experience for you all.
Thank you.

Let's Bring People Together!!

"Stereotyping can be reduced by bringing people together. When they discover the other people are not as the stereotype, the immediate evidence creates dissonance that leads to improved thoughts about the other group." --- The Nature of Prejudice

Just a little something that we wanted to share...



...in hopes of bringing people together.

Just like you can't judge a book by its cover, you can't judge people by their cover either.

Don't assume someone is or isn't gay by their appearance.

A Voice in the Transgender Community

We had the pleasure of interviewing Josephine Tittsworth, a social worker in the field of mental health and the Transgender Community. Josephine is on the Board of Directors of the National Transgender Advocacy Coalition (NTAC) and Parents and Families of Lesbians And Gays (PLFAG) - Transgender Network (TNET).

This interview proved to be very insightful and informative into the shame experienced within the Transgender Community.

One of the most powerful things Josephine offered to us was this saying, "The GLB Community faces shame, but they do not have to identify their sexual orientation; the shame in the Transgender Community is stronger because they have to identify their sexual orientation."

This resounded with us because if you see a transgendered man, you automatically assume they like women, and if you see a transgendered woman, you automatically assume they like men...what we learned...that is not always the case!!



Many thanks to Josephine for meeting with us and providing us with such an insightful and interesting interview!

The following document, provided by Josephine, is an umbrella chart showing the overall term of "transgender" and all of the different types of people who fall under its general heading.

Transgender Umbrella Chart - Upload a Document to Scribd

Read this document on Scribd: Transgender Umbrella Chart

For more information on the Transgender Community, please read some of the articles that Josephine has published. They include:

1. Tittsworth, J., Erich, S., & Kanenberg, H. (2008). Foster care: Transgender youth. National Association of Social Workers Specialty Practice Sections Newsletter.
2. Erich, S., Boutté-Queen, N., Donnelly, S., & Tittsworth, J. (2007). Social work education: Implications for working with the transgender community. Journal of Baccalaureate Social Work, 12(2), 42-52.
3. Erich, S., Tittsworth, J., Dykes, J., & Cabusas, C. (in press). Family relationships and their correlations with transexual well being. Journal of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Family Studies.
4. Erich, S., Donnelly, S., & Tittsworth, J. (2006). Passages: From feeling woman to being woman. In Messinger, Lori & Morrow, Deana F. (Eds), Case studies on sexual orientation & gender expression in social work practice (pp. 3-6). New York: Columbia University Press.

GLBT Stereotypes: Words of the Straight Community

In a survey of more than 2,000 adult lesbians and adult gay men in 8 major U.S. metropolitan areas, more than 90% of the males and 75% of the females reported having been verbally harassed because of their sexuality. Almost 1/2 of males and more than 1/3 of the females have been threatened with physical violence because of their orientation; and 1/5 of the males and 1/10 of the females reported that they had been punched, kicked, or beaten because of their homosexuals. These verbal harassments, threats, and acts of physical violence stem from stereotyping and labeling.

We interviewed members of the heterosexual population to identify their perceived stereotypes of the GLBT Community. We asked, "What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been a perpetrator of such labels?"

Here's just snippet of what we got...

1. I don't have a problem with the gay community and never really have. I make fun of people a lot for being homosexual, but its just a joke. I know that many people do have a problem, and it seems to usually be men. I think some men are afraid of other men hitting on them. There's a difference between being a hot lesbian and a dyke. Hot lesbians are accepted in society more so than dykes. A lot of men are attracted to hot lesbians, but are completely turned off by dykes. Transexuals or transgenders...I don't think they're as accepted as gay or lesbians. Stereotypically, I think transsexuals are thought of to be prostitutes, but I know that's probably a small percentage of them.

2. Lesbians fall into two categories (which are not mutually exclusive): butches, who are shy, man-hating woman that wear lumberjack clothing and do not need attention, and lipstick lesbians, who are flirty, man-hating woman that wear girly clothing and need a lot of attention. Gay men fall into two categories: flamboyant guys, who walk weird, have dramatic hand movements, and talk with a lisp...images that come to mind are a hairdresser and Richard Simmons, and a nonchalant kind-of-guy, who are unrecognizably gay, and the only way you know they are is because they have a boyfriend. In general, I am more comfortable with lesbians than with gay men. I think flamboyant gay males are annoying.

3. I think the biggest stereotype is that every lesbian is manly, and every gay male is girly. Included in that is the endless list of stereotypical characteristics that people look for to identify someone as GLBT (e.g. lesbians have short hair, gay men talk with their hands, etc.). Then, there are the more serious stereotypes that all gay men molest young children, that all gay people have AIDS, and that all gay people want to convert you. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a perpetrator of some of these labels, but my guilt lies in attempting to identify the characteristics of GLBT people, not in the other stereotypes I mentioned. When I meet someone, I automatically assume they are straight unless I know or they tell me otherwise. If someone asks me if someone else is gay, I try to pick out certain mannerisms that I would consider “gay.” Of course I’m terrible at that because there are no certain mannerisms, so I try to avoid it all together. The ironic thing is that I have found GLBT people to be some of the worst perpetrators of those assigning those labels.

4. Gay men will get HIV (gay/straight...unprotected sex means there's a chance you'll get it), lesbians are butch, and gay men are feminine. I don't think I've ever been the perpetrator of these labels, but I have to admit that I have been around people who do and have said nothing before. As I have gotten to know more and more members of the GLBT community though, I am much more likely to speak up when I see those labels being used. My first year as a high school teacher was a test in this area. I had a known gay student in a class and within the first 2 weeks of school I started to notice the comments about him. Doing my best not to point him out or the specific issue I was having I spent an entire class period on respect (what it means, how to show it, what I won't tolerate etc.) and made sure that I took care of any disrespectful behavior toward anyone very quickly and made sure that everyone knew I wasn't going to tolerate it. I like to think I did a pretty good job, but it was definitely a struggle.

5. As far as stereotypes are concerned I believe that all of the usual suspects apply: The gay man with the funny walk or the obvious lisp. The lesbian woman with the mullet and a Tee-shirt with the sleeves cut off. But I believe these are all voluntary means of communication used by the person as a way to identify themselves with their respective community. Some, however, don’t feel the need to I identify themselves in this way. Did I ever perpetrate a stereotype? Sure, I believe we all do every day. We all see something about all people we look at, that is not outwardly shown. Whether it is their sexual orientation, their social status, or how much money they have. It is part of our nature to look at somebody and compare them to our self. And then use the differences to place labels and classifications. The real issue is not that we do this; I believe the real issue is the learned reaction to segregate and even hate those who are not the same.

6. I think a major stereotype of the GLBT community is that most people in the GLBT community are promiscuous. I'm sure I have been the perpetrator of such labels at one point in time or another -- whether it was externally or whether it was a personal thought. I think that because there is so much negative pressure from society on the GLBT community that sometimes those in the GLBT community feel the need to overtly declare their sexuality to assert their right to their sexual preferences -- which leads to the overgeneralized stereotype of promiscuity in the GLBT community. I think it's really difficult for the GLBT community to dispel this stereotype.

7. When I think of stereotypes of the GLBT community it would be that gay men make good neighbors, have a good sense of fashion, are emotionally sensitive, bad at sports, and are promiscuous. Lesbians are not feminine, play softball and hate men. I have probably used the phrases “you're so gay” or “what a fag” a million times in my life as a derogatory comment to taunt my friends when they do something that would fit in one of the stereotypes.


In your comments, please feel free to respond to the same questions. Just remember to post mindfully, as this is not a place for ridicule and shaming, but a place to educate others.

And, remember, the only way not to shame the GLBT Community with the stereotypes is to not perpetuate them or make anyone a victim to them through your judgement. Consider not telling inappropriate jokes with "being gay" as the punch line, or correct someone when they make a derogatory comment, but most of all, give every individual the benefit of the doubt and respect them by not assuming you know them based on their appearance alone!


For more information on crime against the GLBT population, visit the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force link on our Around the Nation section in the sidebar.

All Love is Original: Moving Past Homophobia

"It was hard to enjoy being one of the chosen people, the 'heteros,' when so many people that I admire were not invited to the party. --- George Weinberg


George Weinberg, writer of Society and the Healthy Homosexual and Self Creation, is a heterosexual, clinical psychologist, and gay activist, who has championed gay rights for many decades. He coined the concept of "homophobia" in his work, and challenged the "old school" concept that homosexuality was a disease...giving many gays and lesbians their dignity and pride.

Below is an eye-opening interview, with great thought-provoking concepts between George Weinberg and Raj Avyar. It is an important piece to learning that all love is original and worthy of acceptance in the world. And even more importantly, it is excellent insight into how the GLBT Community might experience shame because of this concept "homophobia."


Raj Ayyar:
George, it's an honor to interview you. Your insights have challenged so many negative myths and stereotypes about homosexuality. Can you tell us a little about the rhythms and patterns, the high points and the lows of your life?

George Weinberg:
The high point in my life was one that I certainly didn't see or appreciate when it happened because I was a few months old. My father, who was from a wealthy family and highly educated, a lawyer, Yale and Columbia, walked out with the benefit of a healthy push from my mother, a seventh grade graduate, who took a typing course and got a secretarial job as fast as she could.
My father was a pedant and a bully who cared about nobody, and I was not to see him until I was eighteen. My mother was devoted, very bright, and above all, very humane. "You judge someone by how that person treats the least important person in his life," she would tell me often, and she watched over me to safeguard my caring as much as my intellectual development.
Having her to myself without him anywhere near me was the great break of my life, one that I could evaluate only after getting to know him later on. It wouldn't have mattered to my mother if I married a black, was gay, lived in a commune or wore a dress. I didn't grow up with any concept of people being deviants unless they mistreated others.
So the step into my later life was very small and took very little courage alongside the giant steps taken by some of my friends, especially my gay friends who had to first accept themselves, then love themselves, then make peace with their being outcasts and disappointments to others, and then build new lives.
Another high point was getting a PhD in clinical psychology at Columbia and seeing how hidebound, unimaginative, inhumane and stupid my classmates and the professors were, with very few exceptions. I realized that the world was left to us who cared, it was our time, and that the people we looked up to had mainly climbed a many runged ladder to nowhere.
Though I wasn't gay, I was loose in all the heterosexual ways that I could think of, and in other ways that I'd rather not put in print. And to quote Robert Browning, "And yet God has not said a word."
Finally, fighting for gay rights, speaking out in various places and making friends, men and women, was great. I felt like an apostle of the obvious and people imagined that I was doing something daring. My mother would have done the same thing, and in fact one of the last things I placed in her hands, as she lay dying of a brain tumor, was my book summing up my views on the doctors who said that anal intercourse was sick but had lived their whole lives with their heads up their ass.

Raj Ayyar:
In the mid-1960's, you coined the word 'homophobia' which has become part of the lexicon of gay theory and activism. It's a concept that identifies a certain class of prejudice and parallels terms like 'racism' and 'sexism.' How would you define homophobia?

George Weinberg:
Homophobia is just that: a phobia. A morbid and irrational dread which prompts irrational behavior flight or the desire to destroy the stimulus for the phobia and anything reminiscent of it. Because human beings are the stimulus, a common homophobic reaction is brutality in many cases, as we all know. We also know its consequences.
I am very proud of being the one to have coined the word. I remember the moment in 1965 when it came to me with utter clarity that this was a phobia. I was preparing a speech for a homophile group, which set me to thinking about "What's wrong with those people?"
By "those people," I had in mind that day a few therapist friends who had liked a gay friend of mine, spoken well of her until I told them that she was a lesbian. Hearing that, they didn't want me to bring her to a party, as if she was a contaminant. Since I kept my own life quite a secret from them, having heard their views too often, perhaps a little bit of rage spurred me on to finding the word. The Roman poet, Catullus, describing how he came to write his love poetry, one wrote, "Anger moves my verse (Ira versum movet) and I think that healthy anger at injustice has strengthened the love within the gay movement, of which I am very much a part.

Raj Ayyar:
What are the roots of homophobia? Or, if that's too broad a question, what environmental influences are likely to generate this blind fear and hate of gay people?
George Weinberg:
The roots of homophobia are fear. Fear and more fear. It is based on the preposterous notion that if you are like everybody else you will be safe, secure and happy. And in the extreme that if you are good, you won't die. "Well, no wonder he died, he smoked a few joints." Or "He went to India." Or "He was homosexual. I would never do that."
Envy plays a part too because fearful people who constrict their lives resent others who don't constrict them in the same ways. Many people secretly think that gays are a lot happier than they are, and want to punish them.
Of course, any answer to the question of how an illness develops, (and homophobia is an illness, no doubt about that) has to be incomplete. What worse illness can there be than acute conventionality. You should pray every night that you don't wake up with it.

Raj Ayyar:
Tell us a little about 'internalized' homophobia. Do many closeted gays suffer from profound self-hatred? Is the coming-out process part of the healing journey out of internalized homophobia?

George Weinberg:
Internalized homophobia is the same disease, it is the dread of being different, of being singled out, punished or laughed at. It is the idea that I must suffer some withering illness because I lack a fundamental ingredient that everyone else has.
Unfortunately it isn't a lack that's killing you. You have at least one too many ingredients, namely conformity. You would be better off in exile than priding yourself on be like everyone else. The penalty for that kind of pride is that you can't turn to the right or left without misgivings.
As Alexander Pope put it "More true joy Marcellus exiled feels than Caesar with a senate at his heels." If this is so, the goal should be to become Marcellus, not Caesar.

Raj Ayyar:
Is there a 'universal' coming-out process? Can we apply a single Western post-Stonewall model of coming out, or do gays in different cultures need to work out their own indigenous, culture-specific ways of coming to terms with their sexuality?

George Weinberg:
There is no universal coming out process, so far as I know. I've met gays who never had a problem, especially women who came out during a love affair which bathed them in its beauty. And I've known people who came out with a sense of torture. I'm sure that every culture, every neighborhood, every family influences the experience. But the cure for most obstacles is, Be decisive. The world will step aside for nearly anyone who has the courage of his of her opinions.

Raj Ayyar:
In the new book Before Stonewall Jack Nichols remarks that 'while defining homophobia, (you) proffered a radical concept: healthy homosexuality.' What are some of the criteria defining a 'healthy' homosexual?

George Weinberg:
To love and to work these are the basics. I don't mean loving just one person, or your cat, though that's more than a start. We each have a personal myth, a vision of who we really are and what we want. Health means that part of what you want is to give to others.
This isn't moral, it's psychological. As soon as your aim, is to achieve something for others, to give to others (or to at least one other person), you have that person along with you, as if watching you and rooting for you. You aren't alone. The healthy homosexual is simply a healthy person who happens to be homosexual and accepts this fact. As for work, whatever your work happens to be, I agree with Goethe who said "Only the person who has spent a lifetime of hard work can truly say, 'I have lived.'"

Raj Ayyar:
Apparently, your pioneering work Society and the Healthy Homosexual (1972) shocked the pundits of the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association. How did you deal with the hostility of your peers and of the power structure within your profession?

George Weinberg:
I try not to deal with people's hostility, though I must if they have something I need from them, as the professors did at Columbia or my landlord did. I like the lines of the poet Walter Savage Landor, "I strove with none for none was worth my strife."

Raj Ayyar:
There are many countries (India is a good example till recently) where 'men who have sex with men' (MSM's) engage in same-sex acts that are labeled 'fun' 'mischief' etc. but are not categorized as gay or even as 'homosexual.' Are such men 'closet' cases? Doesn't one need to be minimally self-aware and aware of the discourses of homosexuality to run for cover in the 'closet?'

George Weinberg:
I look ahead to the day when we won't think of anyone as gay or straight altogether. The fewer labels the better.

Raj Ayyar:
Does your model of homophobia apply as easily to lesbians as to gay men? Or, are there grounds for interpreting 'lesbophobia' differently than 'homophobia?'

George Weinberg:
The model applies but men tend to suffer more acutely. We have many cases of men committing suicide rather than face their own individuality. I know of no case of a woman who committed suicide because she was gay.

Raj Ayyar:
I have a great respect for the fact that you are one of the few avowed heterosexuals that championed the cause of gay rights for many decades. How did you get past homophobia?

George Weinberg:
I've had so many friends who were homosexual and who shared interests with me, who were generous and non-competitive and sensitive. I couldn't afford to lose them and to condemn them in my own mind would be to lose them. So I lined up with them emotionally. I'm really not an avowed heterosexual. I'm no more proud of it than of being white or tall. As T.S. Eliot put it, "I could have been a pair of ragged claws, scuttling across the floors of silent seas." We're all here at the same time and we should celebrate that.

Raj Ayyar:
Are your wife and family okay with your pro-gay activism and writing?

George Weinberg:
My family is better than OK.

Raj Ayyar:
You are quoted as saying that 'all love is conspiratorial and deviant and magical.' I love the quote. But, what does it mean?

George Weinberg:
All love is original, no matter how many other people have loved before. It is the greatest possible leap of faith and trust, a bearing of the soul. Here we are, as Whitman put it, in measureless oceans of space… hoping to catch somewhere. Whitman was comparing love with the task of the spider trying to reach across a void. The very decision to do this instead of to wear a full metal jacket is a conspiracy. All who love are conspirators. We refuse to go with the drift of things and gays are really more conspicuous instances because their love is questioned.

Raj Ayyar:
Shakespeare is one of your heroes. Can you tell us a little about your book Will Power: Using Shakespeare's Insights to Transform Your Life? Going back to a cliched but still interesting question: was Shakespeare bisexual?

George Weinberg:
I feel pretty sure that Shakespeare loved men and women erotically. In the sonnets he makes clear that he loves a man. It would take a profound commitment to conventionality to deny the evidence which screams out. People have known of Shakespeare's homosexuality down through the ages.

Raj Ayyar:
Your book Self Creation was a huge success in the popular self-help market. Can you share some insights on creating a more positive reality with readers of Gay Today?

George Weinberg:
An essential idea is that if you give to some person or endeavor in life, you will make that more important. Coming out to gays is a way of affirming sanity and self-worth. We are constantly creating ourselves by what we move toward or away from. If every time you engage in a sex act, you go into a confession box, you will never accept your own sexuality. I found in my own life that heterosexual acts that initially made me feel like a freak became second nature and quite reasonable very quickly. That was because I didn't atone. The important thing is not to hurt other people. If they hurt themselves by staying up all night worrying about your behavior that is their own self-tortured decision.

Raj Ay
George, it's been a pleasure and a joy talking with you. Thank you for sharing your insights with us.

George Weinberg:
Thank you, Raj.

This interview was obtain from http://www.gaytoday.com/...an on-line publication.

We've Come to Recognize

"When we know how shame feels, we have an important resilience tool. Often, we feel shame before we think it. Recognizing our shame allows us to find the space we need to process the experience and gain some clarity before we act our or shut down." -- Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW

Our goal in sharing our physical reactions to shame with you has two purposes here. We hope that you will realize that no two people share the same reaction to shame, and that it is essential part to developing your shame resilience.

We did this exercise in our class, and here is how we responded.

Israel:
I physically feel shame in my shoulders.
My shame symptoms include shaking.
I know I'm in shame when I feel blank.
If I could taste shame, it would taste like nothing.
If I could smell shame, it would smell like the stench from the paper factory.
If I could touch shame, it would feel like slime.

Ashley:
I physically feel shame in my heart, hands, and face.
My shame symptoms include fidgeting, sweaty hands and feet, anxiety, a headache, and nausea.
I know I'm in shame when I feel judged.
If I could taste shame, it would taste like dirt.
If I could smell shame, it would smell like sweat.
If I could touch shame, it would feel like fiberglass insulation.

Gina:
I physically feel shame in my stomach, heart, and brain.
My shame symptoms include nausea, increased heart rate, crying, headaches, and a heavy chest.
I know I'm in shame when I feel like hiding.
If I could taste shame, it would taste bitter.
If I could smell shame, it would smell musty.
If I could touch shame, it would feel like thorns.

Josh:
I physically feel shame in my stomach and head.
My shame symptoms include nausea, lack of appetite, a headache, a heavy head, exhaustion, lack of motivation, reduced social contact.
I know I'm in shame when I feel detached from everything.
If I could taste shame, it would taste like peach.
If I could smell shame, it would smell like peach.
If I could touch shame, it would feel like biting down on a paper towel or napkin.

Allison:
I physically feel shame in my heart and stomach, and through my extremities.
My shame symptoms include my heart sinking into my chest, my stomach starts turning upside down, and my body gets the chilled, and sometimes shaky.
I know I'm in shame when I feel flustered, disoriented, and speechless.
If I could taste shame, it would taste like licorice.
If I could smell shame, it would smell like a dusty, dark attic (sort of musty and murky).
If I could touch shame it would feel like an old cobweb.


The first step to resisting shame is to recognize it.
What does shame feel like to you?

Underage Shaming

"The stigmatization of homosexuality begins early in childhood and intensifies during adolescence." --Tangney & Dearing

Despite the successes and advances of the GLBT Community, there continues to be a notion that being gay is bad. From a young age we are taught that being gay is something to be ashamed of and that, somehow, it is ok to ridicule and hurt those that are different. For youth struggling with their sexual identity, school can be an especially harsh place to be open and feel safe. As of 2003, almost 40% of GLBT youth said that they had experienced some kind of physical violence at school and 84% had been victims of verbal harassment, all because of their sexual orientation.

The effects of these degrading and shaming experiences can be devastating. Gay youth are at an increased risk for social isolation, depression, substance abuse, dropping out of school and even thoughts of suicide. In fact, of the 5,000 suicides of young men and women each year in the United States, over 30% of them have been attributed to the emotional turmoil over sexual preference and societal prejudices and discriminatory behaviors regarding same-sex attractions and relationships.

In February of this year, a California middle school had a school shooting that barely made a blip on the news radar. Why? The victim, Lawrence King, was shot and killed by a fellow student because he was gay. We think its time for a new lesson to begin.

Watch these videos for more:






For more information on this tragic event visit:
http://www.rememberinglawrence.org/.

For more information on GLBT youth, read the following article:
Snively, C. (2004). Gay-Straight Alliances. An Encyclopedia of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Culture.

Learning the Journey

Shame is often associated with the "coming out" process.
Why? They are often battling "internalized homophobia," which is the shame inflicted on individuals living in a heterosexist society.

"Coming out" is a process that happens again and again; unfortunately, it is not a one time deal.
It is essentially a process that means recognizing, accepting, expressing, and sharing ones' sexual orientation with oneself and others.

In order to address the GLBT Community with empathy and compassion, it is crucial to understand where any given might be in this process. Here, we hope to give an overview of this process.

The Cass Model of Sexual Identity includes six stages, also known as the "Coming Out" Process.

Stage 1 - Identity Confusion
"Could I be gay?" An individual in this stage is beginning to wonder is "homosexuality" is personally relevant. Denial and confusion are often experienced.
Task: Who am I? - Accept, Deny, Reject

Stage 2 - Identity Comparison
"Maybe it does apply to me" An individual in this stage will accept the possibility that she or he may be gay. Self-alienation turns into isolation.
Task: Deal with social alienation.

Stage 3 - Identity Tolerance
"I'm not the only one." An individual in this stage accepts the probability of being homosexual and recognizes sexual, social, and emotional needs that go with being lesbian or gay. There is an increased commitment to being lesbian or gay.
Task: Decrease social alienation by seeking out other lesbians and gays.

Stage 4 - Identity Acceptance
"I will be okay." An individual in this stage accepts, rather than tolerates, gay or lesbian self-image. There is continuing and increased contact with the gay and lesbian culture.
Task: Deal with inner tension of no longer subscribing to society's norms, attempt to bring congruence between private and public view of self.

Stage 5 - Identity Pride
"I've got to let people know who I am!" An individual in this stage immerses self in gay and lesbian culture with less and less involvement in the heterosexual community.
Task: Deal with incongruent views of heterosexuals.

Stage 6 - Identity Synthesis
"I am me." An individual in this stage develops a holistic view of self.
Task: Integrate gay and lesbian identity so that instead of being the identity, it is an aspect of self.

For more information on these stages, follow this link. It is written by Joe Kort.


When gays and lesbians "come out" to their parents (and/or other family members), it is common for their loved ones to experience and work through six different stages: shock, denial, guilt, feeling acknowledgment (anger and hurt), making decisions (to be supportive, to table all discussions, or initiate a war-like relationship), and finally, true acceptance. Follow this link to learn more about this process.

In addition, there is also anxiety associated with "coming out" to non-family members. The following was published by the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. It is a guide to how to be act/react when an individual makes a decision to "come out" to you.

Someone who is coming out feels close enough to you and trusts you sufficiently to be honest and risk losing you as a friend. It is difficult to know what to say and do to be a supportive friend to someone who has “come out” to you. Below are some suggestions you may wish to follow.

- Thank your friend for having the courage to tell you. Choosing to tell you means that they have a great deal of respect and trust for you.

- Don’t judge your friend. If you have strong religious or other beliefs about homosexuality, keep them to yourself for now. There will be plenty of time in the future for you to think and talk about your beliefs in light of your friend’s orientation.

- Respect your friend’s confidentiality. They probably are not ready to tell others right away and want to tell people in their own way.

- Tell your friend that you still care about them, no matter what. Be the friend you have always been. The main fear for people coming out is that their friends and family will reject them.

- Don’t be too serious. Sensitively worded humor may ease the tension you are both probably feeling.

- Ask any questions you may have, but understand that your friend may not have all the answers. You can save some questions for later or, better yet, you can find some of the answers together.

- Include your friend’s partner in plans as much as you would with any other friend.
Be prepared to include your friend in more of your plans. They may have lost the support of other friends and family, and your time and friendship will be even more precious to them. This may include “family” times like holidays or special celebrations.

- Offer and be available to support your friend as they “come out” to others.

- Call frequently during the time right after your friend has come out to you. This will let them know you are still friends.

- Be prepared for your friend to have mood swings. Coming out can be very traumatic. Anger and depression are common, especially if friends or family have trouble accepting your friend’s orientation. Don’t take mood swings personally. Be flattered you are close enough to risk sharing any feelings of anger or frustration.

- Do what you have always done together. Your friend probably feels that coming out will change everything in their life, and this is frightening. If you always go to the movies on Friday, then continue that.

- Talk about other GLBT people you know. If your friend knows you have accepted someone else, they will feel more comfortable that you will accept them.

- Learn about the GLBT Community. This will allow you to better support your friend, and knowing about their world will help prevent you from drifting apart.

- Don’t allow your friend to become isolated. Let them know about organizations and places where they can meet other GLBT people or supportive allies.