Giving Shame a Voice: Sam

This is the fifth edition of our Giving Shame a Voice series.

Read, and learn.

We hope this brings you one step closer to understanding the shame experienced in the GLBT Community, and an even larger step closer to developing empathy and compassion for them.


1. When did you first know that you were gay?

Well, it was not until I was 19 that I began to understand my feelings toward women. But, I truly understood exactly what was going on with me. I could probably take you all the way back to first grade though...it was pretty apparent.

2. Have you ever felt shame? Describe it.
3. When, and how, did you become aware that you were experiencing shame?

During the summer my parents made me get a job when I turned 16. I had the best job ever, I lifeguarded at a water-park and I worked there for four years during the summer and every year that I worked there I was promoted. Well, the very last year that I worked there was my first year back from The Citadel (I went to school there my first few years of college) and I was promoted to a park manager. I was unfortunately fired at the end of the summer for something that I did not do and I honestly think it was because I was dating a girl.

After I returned from The Citadel after my second year, I started working for a seafood restaurant. I completely hid from everybody that I was gay because I did not want to be known as the lesbian bartender and wanted to be known as just me. I did not even tell my best friend and I would date boys so people would quit asking questions. I hid under this wall of shame for over a year. The second I finally decided to come out and stop hiding everything I did not want to have happen did. But, I embraced who I was. It was when I embraced who I was when I really realized I had been in shame all that time.

4. Describe a time when you felt isolated or alone in the world?

It would have to be right after my father killed himself. It did not hit me at first that he was never coming back. It took me about three months for it to finally settle in and when it did I became very depressed. It was through this state of depression that I felt very isolated and alone. He understood me more than anyone.

5. Explain a time when you weren’t comfortable with yourself. When, or how, did you get to a place where you eventually were?

When I moved to Austin a few years ago, and started working at a new place. I couldn't even believe how many other gay people worked there!! It was like home. It was an environment where you could be who you were without being judged.

6. If you could go back and see yourself at a time when you were experiencing shame and darkness, what would you say to your past self?

Well, after my dad died I could not get anyone to actually talk to me about what I was going through which is why I think I walked down the lonely and dark path that I did. If I could go back I would tell myself that everything would be okay and that I might not see it right now but with time you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is going to be a rough journey but because of what you are experiencing you will understand something that most people will never understand and you will help out so many others.

7. What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been the victim of such labels?

Truthfully, I am not entirely sure how to answer this question.

Giving Shame a Voice: Steve

This is the fourth edition of our Giving Shame a Voice series.

Read, and learn.

We hope this brings you one step closer to understanding the shame experienced in the GLBT Community, and an even larger step closer to developing empathy and compassion for them.


1. When did you first know that you were gay?

I knew I was “different” around second grade (age 8). I didn’t label myself as gay till 17.

2. Have you ever felt shame?

Not shame, more fear of people hating me. Now I am just disappointed in people who have homophobia.

3. When, and how, did you become aware that you were experiencing shame?

I never felt ashamed. I started having sexual relations with other guys my age around 14, so for me, it just sort of happened. There was nothing to feel ashamed about. It felt very natural.

4. Describe a time when you felt isolated or alone in the world?

During my teenage years when I was carrying around the weight of the world. The fear of the unknown. Not understanding the reasons for being homosexual. It usually happened at night while laying in bed.

5. Explain a time when you weren't comfortable with yourself. When, or how, did you get to a place where you eventually were?

My entire teenage years I was uncomfortable. It wasn’t until I established a friendship with a heterosexual male and he accepted my homosexuality with zero issue did I feel confident that there is nothing inferior with me (around age 19). The acceptance of my heterosexual male peers is what allowed me to become 100% confident with myself and in my sexuality.

6. If you could go back and see yourself at a time when you were experiencing shame and darkness, what would you say to your past self?

"You are a very good person with a good heart and you will always love yourself."

7. What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been the victim of such labels?

Flamboyant dress style, particular way of speaking, feminine men, butch girls.
Yes, I have been a victim of such labels. I ignore them when they happen then detox with friends afterward. Some people are ignorant and I realize they just don’t understand and aren’t worth dealing with.

Giving Shame a Voice: Annie

This is the third edition of our Giving Shame a Voice series.

Read, and learn.

We hope this brings you one step closer to understanding the shame experienced in the GLBT Community, and an even larger step closer to developing empathy and compassion for them.


1. When did you first know that you were gay?

When I was 13 and I had a crush on my friend.

2. Have you ever felt shame? Describe it.

Yes, I described it as a feeling of embarrassment.

3. When, and how, did you become aware that you were experiencing shame?

I always felt that way, but only realized it through therapy.

4. Describe a time when you felt isolated or alone in the world?

All my childhood.

5. Explain a time when you weren't comfortable with yourself. When, or how, did you get to a place where you eventually were?

All my childhood I wasn't comfortable with myself. In prison I got to a place where I actually was.

6. If you could go back and see yourself at a time when you were experiencing shame and darkness, what would you say to your past self?

There's nothing you can say...a person must go through the process of recovering from shame to heal from it

7. What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been the victim of such labels?

That we are sinners and evil perverts. Of course.

Giving Shame a Voice: Kyle

This is the second edition of our Giving Shame a Voice series.

Read, and learn.

We hope this brings you one step closer to understanding the shame experienced in the GLBT Community, and an even larger step closer to developing empathy and compassion for them.


1. When did you first know that you were gay?

I first (truly) new when I was a freshman in college. I began having doubts about my sexuality my junior and senior year in high school.

2. Have you ever felt shame? Describe it.

Shame about being gay, yes. I think most gays have felt ashamed of themselves at some point or another, even if it was just for a short period of time. I felt ashamed of being something other than what God, my family, my friends and society intended me to be, so I thought. I felt like I was not deserving of so many blessings in my life and that I was having feelings that went against what the Church and my family had taught me.

3. When, and how, did you become aware that you were experiencing shame?

For me it was during my first year in college. I think it was evident when I met other gays that were my age and acted completely normal, as if they’d been gay all their life. I was not 100% comfortable and the fact that I did not act like them or “live like a gay” was a sign to me that red flagged it as something that was not acceptable. I was trying to repress the fact that I was gay. It’s something many do when they’re beginning to feel more and more attracted to the same sex.

4. Describe a time when you felt isolated or alone in the world?

Being the oldest, I had a lot of pressure. I had to absorb many of the family problems and was forced to grow up fast. I did not have anyone to turn to or talk to other than God. Although I’m surrounded by friends and a loving family, when I accepted that I was gay was another time when I felt alone. However, it was because I chose to keep this to myself for some time. As soon as I was O.K. with God and told my friends, a huge load was lifted off my back.

5. Explain a time when you weren’t comfortable with yourself. When, or how, did you get to a place where you eventually were?

This would be the first three years after I accepted I was gay. It has to do with body image. I felt I did not fit the gay image: fit, muscular, health and body conscious, fashionable, etc. By my senior year in college it all had changed.

6. If you could go back and see yourself at a time when you were experiencing shame and darkness, what would you say to your past self?

Hey buddy, it’s completely OK. This is who you are and there is no need to try to change it. You are yourself, and nothing is wrong with you. God made you this way. You’re a good person. Now get up and go be yourself and share your love with everyone.

7. What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been the victim of such labels?

Good and bad stereotypes: Promiscuous, polygamous, dirty, HIV/AIDS, freaks, suicidal, depressed, go against God’s will, fashionable, have good jobs, earn good income, vain, self-conscious, like to party/drugs, travel, cultured, high maintenance, smart, ambitious, etc…

Giving Shame a Voice: Ben

This is the first edition of our Giving Shame a Voice series.

Read, and learn.

We hope this brings you one step closer to understanding the shame experienced in the GLBT Community, and an even larger step closer to developing empathy and compassion for them.


1. When did you first know that you were gay?

I can remember when I was about 8 years old; imagining that my teddy bear was a male and hugging it very tight. I first realized I was homosexual when I was about 15 and I tried to search for naked men on the internet and got caught by my mother.

2. Have you ever felt shame? Describe it.

I felt shame once when I was walking with my other homosexual friends to a local bar, and when passing the heterosexual bars I felt humiliated and shamed like I was a minority and was not able to express myself.

3. When, and how, did you become aware that you were experiencing shame?

I became aware that I was experiencing shame when I began to walk faster like I was not a part of the homosexual group I was with.

4. Describe a time when you felt isolated or alone in the world?

When I came home one night to my ex-boyfriend vandalizing my apartment and breaking all of my things. I felt isolated and alone.

5. Explain a time when you weren’t comfortable with yourself. When, or how, did you get to a place where you eventually were?

In high school I often shied away because I knew I was attracted to the same sex, but I could not express myself openly about it with anyone. Because I held in the frustration with being closeted, when I turned 18 and graduated from high school I often went to the homosexual bars to meet others, and I got a tattoo to show my freedom and independence.

6. If you could go back and see yourself at a time when you were experiencing shame and darkness, what would you say to your past self?

If I can go back and see myself when I was experiencing shame, I would tell myself that I can and will get through the darkness, and that I will eventually gain confidence and begin to know myself better as I age and mature.

7. What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been the victim of such labels?

Gay males are feminine, GLBT have HIV/AIDS, every GLBT has some sort of bug, party animals, sinners, and homosexual males do not know how to accomplish any male oriented work. I often feel the strongest labels and stereotypes come from heterosexuals that I don’t know, mostly heterosexual males.

Giving Shame a Voice

We thought, how can we provide you with information to help you understand shame in the GLBT Community?

We decided to create this series, Giving Shame a Voice, to give you insight into the shame experienced by gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. Throughout this blog, you will find postings that feature a different individual reaching out and speaking shame.

The questions we posed include:

1. When did you first know that you were gay?
2. Have you ever felt shame? Describe it.
3. When, and how, did you become aware that you were experiencing shame?
4. Describe a time when you felt isolated or alone in the world?
5. Explain a time when you weren't comfortable with yourself. When, or how, did you get to a place where you eventually were?
6. If you could go back and see yourself at a time when you were experiencing shame and darkness, what would you say to your past self?
7. What stereotypes apply to the GLBT Community? Have you ever been victim of such labels?

We instantly loved the idea of creating this blog series! We were aware that no two people experience shame in the same way, nor express shame in the way same, so the thought of being able to offer several perspectives and viewpoints made us very excited!

Please follow this series, and be mindful and respectful with your comments, as they are the real words of real people!


Note: We obtained permission from our interviewees to post their responses on this blog for educational purposes, but we have changed the names on each posting to respect their right to privacy. We thank them for their participation.