Being an Ally

"Tell me and I forget, show me and I remember, involve me and I understand." -- Unknown

We hope that anyone reading this is able to identify with this quote. It helps me understand how great the need for allies in the GLBT Community is and what being an ally with the members of this Community means.

An ally is a heterosexual person who is working with the community, through support and advocacy, to end oppression and obtain equal rights for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. It means believing that everyone, regardless of sexual orientation (or anything else for that matter), deserves all the same rights that heterosexual people have.

In researching about becoming an ally, I came across these statistics on the Western Illinois University, University Committee on Sexual Orientation website.

Why become an ally?

-Because in 1990, these are the statistics found on the WIU campus:

• 29% believed the college would be a better place if only heterosexuals attended

• 55% did not know a gay man casually and few knew any gay men well. 85% of the men and 81% of the women did not know a lesbian casually and only 5% of the men and 6% of the women knew a lesbian well.

• 78% were not very interested in learning more about gay men and lesbians. 85% said they were not willing to attend a program on homosexuality.

• 85% admitted they had made homophobic comments. 30% of the men said they did so often, compared to 7% of the women.

• 83% said it was fairly or somewhat likely that gay men and lesbians would be harassed on campus

If you want to support gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people in their efforts to live fuller lives and be proud of who they are, you're ready to be an ally.

Use the links on the Around Houston and Around the Nation section in the sidebar to get connected to the community and start using your voice for others!

You can even get an awesome t-shirt to show your support!

Learning the Journey

Shame is often associated with the "coming out" process.
Why? They are often battling "internalized homophobia," which is the shame inflicted on individuals living in a heterosexist society.

"Coming out" is a process that happens again and again; unfortunately, it is not a one time deal.
It is essentially a process that means recognizing, accepting, expressing, and sharing ones' sexual orientation with oneself and others.

In order to address the GLBT Community with empathy and compassion, it is crucial to understand where any given might be in this process. Here, we hope to give an overview of this process.

The Cass Model of Sexual Identity includes six stages, also known as the "Coming Out" Process.

Stage 1 - Identity Confusion
"Could I be gay?" An individual in this stage is beginning to wonder is "homosexuality" is personally relevant. Denial and confusion are often experienced.
Task: Who am I? - Accept, Deny, Reject

Stage 2 - Identity Comparison
"Maybe it does apply to me" An individual in this stage will accept the possibility that she or he may be gay. Self-alienation turns into isolation.
Task: Deal with social alienation.

Stage 3 - Identity Tolerance
"I'm not the only one." An individual in this stage accepts the probability of being homosexual and recognizes sexual, social, and emotional needs that go with being lesbian or gay. There is an increased commitment to being lesbian or gay.
Task: Decrease social alienation by seeking out other lesbians and gays.

Stage 4 - Identity Acceptance
"I will be okay." An individual in this stage accepts, rather than tolerates, gay or lesbian self-image. There is continuing and increased contact with the gay and lesbian culture.
Task: Deal with inner tension of no longer subscribing to society's norms, attempt to bring congruence between private and public view of self.

Stage 5 - Identity Pride
"I've got to let people know who I am!" An individual in this stage immerses self in gay and lesbian culture with less and less involvement in the heterosexual community.
Task: Deal with incongruent views of heterosexuals.

Stage 6 - Identity Synthesis
"I am me." An individual in this stage develops a holistic view of self.
Task: Integrate gay and lesbian identity so that instead of being the identity, it is an aspect of self.

For more information on these stages, follow this link. It is written by Joe Kort.


When gays and lesbians "come out" to their parents (and/or other family members), it is common for their loved ones to experience and work through six different stages: shock, denial, guilt, feeling acknowledgment (anger and hurt), making decisions (to be supportive, to table all discussions, or initiate a war-like relationship), and finally, true acceptance. Follow this link to learn more about this process.

In addition, there is also anxiety associated with "coming out" to non-family members. The following was published by the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. It is a guide to how to be act/react when an individual makes a decision to "come out" to you.

Someone who is coming out feels close enough to you and trusts you sufficiently to be honest and risk losing you as a friend. It is difficult to know what to say and do to be a supportive friend to someone who has “come out” to you. Below are some suggestions you may wish to follow.

- Thank your friend for having the courage to tell you. Choosing to tell you means that they have a great deal of respect and trust for you.

- Don’t judge your friend. If you have strong religious or other beliefs about homosexuality, keep them to yourself for now. There will be plenty of time in the future for you to think and talk about your beliefs in light of your friend’s orientation.

- Respect your friend’s confidentiality. They probably are not ready to tell others right away and want to tell people in their own way.

- Tell your friend that you still care about them, no matter what. Be the friend you have always been. The main fear for people coming out is that their friends and family will reject them.

- Don’t be too serious. Sensitively worded humor may ease the tension you are both probably feeling.

- Ask any questions you may have, but understand that your friend may not have all the answers. You can save some questions for later or, better yet, you can find some of the answers together.

- Include your friend’s partner in plans as much as you would with any other friend.
Be prepared to include your friend in more of your plans. They may have lost the support of other friends and family, and your time and friendship will be even more precious to them. This may include “family” times like holidays or special celebrations.

- Offer and be available to support your friend as they “come out” to others.

- Call frequently during the time right after your friend has come out to you. This will let them know you are still friends.

- Be prepared for your friend to have mood swings. Coming out can be very traumatic. Anger and depression are common, especially if friends or family have trouble accepting your friend’s orientation. Don’t take mood swings personally. Be flattered you are close enough to risk sharing any feelings of anger or frustration.

- Do what you have always done together. Your friend probably feels that coming out will change everything in their life, and this is frightening. If you always go to the movies on Friday, then continue that.

- Talk about other GLBT people you know. If your friend knows you have accepted someone else, they will feel more comfortable that you will accept them.

- Learn about the GLBT Community. This will allow you to better support your friend, and knowing about their world will help prevent you from drifting apart.

- Don’t allow your friend to become isolated. Let them know about organizations and places where they can meet other GLBT people or supportive allies.

Learning the Lingo

"The good life is inspired and guided by knowledge." --- Bertrand Russell

Part of practicing critical awareness of being aware is the appropriate terminology pertinent to the issues, and the community of which you are speaking. Please be mindful of what you say, and how you say it.

Bi-phobia: Individual or social ignorance or fear of bisexual people. Bi-phobic actions can include prejudice, discrimination, harassment, and acts of violence or hatred.

Bisexual (Bi): Those whose sexual and romantic feelings are for both men and women.

Closeted: GLBT individuals that have not disclosed their sexual orientation.

Coming Out: This can have different meanings to everyone. It has to do with developing awareness that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender – which often leads to a desire to be more open with others about sexual or gender identity. People can be ‘out’ in some parts of their lives but not others. Some people choose to come out and others don’t.

Drag Queen: Men who assume the character or appearance of women.

Gay: People whose sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for the same sex. Depending on the country you are in this can mean men or women, although it tends to be used mainly for men.

Gender: The way a person is seen as ‘male’ or ‘female’.

Gender Identity: A person’s internal feeling of being female, male, both or neither.

GLBT and GLBTI: Abbreviations for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender ; and Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Intersex.

Hate Crimes: Crimes towards persons or groups motivated by the victim's race, color, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, and gender identity.

Heterosexism: discrimination or prejudice by heterosexuals toward homosexuals.

Heterosexual: People whose sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for the opposite sex.

Homophobia: Individual or social ignorance or fear of gay and / or lesbian people. Homophobic actions can include prejudice, discrimination, harassment, and acts of violence and hatred.

Homosexual: People whose sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for the same sex. Those who feel this way often identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual.

Intersex: A biological condition where a person is born with physical characteristics and/or sex chromosomes that aren’t exclusively male or female. An earlier term for intersex was ‘hermaphrodite’.

Lesbian: Women whose sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for women.

Metro-sexual: A straight man perceived to have the style, culture, and personal grooming practices usually associated with gay men.

Sexual Orientation: The direction of sexual and romantic attractions. Some people’s sexual orientation is mainly towards people of the opposite sex; for others it is mainly towards people of the same sex, and for some it is towards either sex.

Sexuality: The quality of state of being sexual.

Straight: Another word for heterosexual.

Suicide: In addition to the general risk factors for suicide, such as depression and substance abuse, GLBTQ people also face stressors such as discrimination and harassment, which put them at an increased risk for suicidal behavior.

Transgender (Trans): Those whose gender identity or behavior falls outside the usual expectations of their gender. This includes people who feel that their anatomical gender is at odds with their inner sense of being ‘male’ or ‘female’. Some transgendered people feel bi-gendered or ‘neither-gendered’, challenging the idea that there can only be two genders.

Trans-phobia: Individual or social ignorance or fear of transgender or transsexual people. Trans-phobic actions can include prejudice, discrimination, harassment, and act of violence or hatred.

Transsexual: People who are born anatomically male or female but have a profound identification with the opposite gender. Not all transsexual people see themselves as being transgendered.

Queer: An umbrella term that includes a range of non-heterosexual and gender identities.


In addition to "words," there are many signs and symbols that have meaning for the GLBT Community. Follow this link to view some of the relevant signs and symbols and learn about their history and meaning.

Shame, Empathy, and Resilience

"Shame is something we all experience. And, while it feels like shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places, including appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, addication, sex, aging, and religion."
-- Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW

Dr. Brown, our educator and renowned shame researcher, defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging."

After a decade of researching shame in the lives of many men and women across the United States, she developed a grounded theory known as the Shame Resilience Model.

Watch the video below to learn more about this concept of shame and the Shame Resilience Model. What better way to learn than from the researcher herself?



Through reading the postings on this blog, our hope is to highlight each of the elements of the Shame Resilience Model with regard to the shame experiences within the GLBT Community. The elements are as follows:

1) recognizing shame and triggers,
2) practicing critical awareness,
3) reaching out, and
4) speaking shame.

The goal is to build empathy and compassion for the GLBT Community.
Dr. Brown cites Teresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar in England, who identifies four defining attributes of empathy, which are:
1) to be able to see the world as others see it
2) to be non-judgmental
3) to understand another person's feelings
4) to communicate your understanding of that person's feelings.

Dr. Brown cites Pema Chodron, who describes the concept of compassion in her book The Places That Scare You by writing, "When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience the fear of our pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. The trick to going this is to stay with emotional distress without tightening into aversion, to let fear soften us rather than harden into resistence."

We hope that through reading these posts, our fellow social work students can understand the shame experiences in the GLBT Community, examplify empathy and compassion, and learn how they can implement the Shame Resilience Model in their practice.

Details about The Shame Resilience Model can be found in Dr. Brown's book, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power. However, the diagram depicting the model is featured below.

Shame Resiliency Model - Upload a Document to Scribd

Read this document on Scribd: Shame Resiliency Model